The mountain pass is long
narrow, crooked, cold
and sorrow seems a strange guide
to send me on my way
but thats the way you save me
-The Passerine
Happily ever after. I consider myself to be a pretty grounded person. Fairly realistic. But somehow, somewhere in the back of my mind I believed in happily ever after. Perhaps I read one too many fairy tales growing up. All the prince had to do was find his princess, and then they would live happily ever after. When Corey and I started our relationship I truly thought we were living in the happily ever after. Our first date happened to fall on Valentine's Day. (I know, right?). We went out for dinner and were seated at the prime spot in the restaurant, a half circle booth that sat up high and gave an overlook of the entire restaurant. We were absolutely giddy, on a high like no other, completely enamored with one another. We watched the couples seated all around, some chatting sweetly, some laughing and gazing into each other's eyes. There was one couple, though, that was sitting in silence, their eyes planted on the floor. They wouldn't look at each other. The woman said something, the man shrugged his shoulders. Their food came. They ate without speaking. We couldn't believe our eyes. How could a couple ever get to that point? We would never be like that! We had something so much better…. Oh young love…. I remember gushing to my roommate one afternoon about how God had brought us together in the most beautiful way and how amazing and wonderful everything was. Suzy, who had been dating her man for over a year just smiled and said "You're in a great season right now, Hil, enjoy it." If only I had an inkling of what she was talking about, I might have done more to take it all in.
Our happily ever after lasted about a month. I distinctly remember our first fight. Corey actually remembers the exact dress I was wearing and cringes every time I put it on. We were enjoying a walk around the lake and had settled at a picnic table to do some devotions together when he said it. I don't even know why and how it came up but he said, "Lighten up Hil, have a little fun." Game over. I promptly got up and started marching to the car. Corey had no idea what was going on. He had never seen me like this. The words were simple, and truly meant no harm, but they struck a chord that ran deep. A feeling that had haunted me all my life. That I wasn't any fun. That people didn't like me. That I was not lovable. One of those wounds from childhood that have a way of surfacing at the most unexpected times. And that's the trick of it. We all have land mines hidden in our hearts. Without warning you'll find yourself in a cloud of fire and smoke wondering what just happened.
We hit one of Corey's a few weeks later on a trip back to his home in Maryland. We had anticipated a lovely, relaxing vacation. Having been brought together in such a beautiful way there was a great amount of pressure for perfection in our relationship. Both of us had made mistakes in our previous relationships and we wanted this one to be perfect. All we had to do was not mess it up. One carefree night, unbeknownst to us, we stumbled into treacherous land. We said I love you. But the moment was all wrong. It wasn't special enough. It didn't hold the depth that it ought to. It wasn't how we wanted our story to go. The pressure for perfection was too great. Corey withdrew. The force of it was as felt strong as dynamite. He seemed a stranger. It left me asking who was this person standing before me and where did my boyfriend go? A lonely place to be when you're 1,000 miles from anyone you know...
We realized we didn't know each other near as well and we thought. As we discovered more about each other, our list of differences grew at an exponential rate. And their implications seemed overwhelming. I was a planner, Corey liked to fly by the seat of his pants. (So I seemed controlling and Corey seemed irresponsible.) I desired to have heartfelt conversations, Corey wanted someone to goof off with. (But I never felt like I was any fun and Corey never felt that he had any spiritual depth to offer.) Our weaknesses played off one another in the most devastating ways. I got overwhelmed in large groups, Corey was a social butterfly. I spoke openly, Corey was a closed book. The list went on and on. It seemed impossible for this relationship to work. How could two people with such different needs, desires, strengths and weaknesses every work together. We were too different. It was a disaster. How could this be and why would God bring us together if it was going to be so hard?
John Eldrige spoke on this in his book Love and War. He brings up the phrase that veterans of dangerous expeditions unanimously urge, "Choose your tent mate carefully." The saying implies that you ought to choose someone you are utterly compatible with because after weeks on end in close quarters, every small difference will drive you crazy. That's not how God works though…
"God does the opposite - he puts us with our opposite. Our mutual brokenness plays off each other so perfectly that is its frightening. It's like throwing a dog and a cat in a dryer… like throwing Cinderella and Huck Finn into a submarine and closing the hatch"
Here I was, Cinderella, arms crossed, sitting beside Huck Finn floating somewhere in the ocean, wondering why… wondering why we had gotten into this mess and how we would ever make it out alive. I was reminded of my creative writing course in college. Our very first lesson was on conflict. My professor insisted that without conflict, there is no story. I could tell you about the most beautiful day, the sun shining, birds singing, not a cloud in the sky. We go for a picnic, set out our blanket underneath the shade of a perfect oak tree. Have a delicious meal, a nice conversation and go home. Nothing about that chain of events would be compelling. But if I told you we had gone for a picnic… The boy desperately wanted to impress me…. Nervously opening the tupperware, he flung the pasta salad into the air, landing it on my head, as rain began to pour down… you would would have yourself a story. We all have a picture in our minds of a perfect life. Life exactly how it was "meant" to be. Easy, happy without conflict. We strive for that perfection in our lives. But we need conflict. Conflict creates story. And God is the ultimate author. He knows all the elements of a good story and has a penchant for creating the most compelling character arch. The writer of a good novel knows that he must put his characters under pressure. That his characters much experience some pain for the purpose of his ultimate growth.
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son."
Romans 8:28-29
The Lord works ALL things, the heartbreak, the frustration, the struggle, for good. He uses it all to conform us into the likeness of Christ. There is purpose in it all - our sanctification. God throws dogs and cats in the dryer together, Cinderella and Huck Finn in the submarine together, to grow us. God doesn't put us with the easiest tent mate, but the one who cause us the greatest growth, who will bring the greatest benefit to our life. As Eldrege put it, He lures us into relationship and then uses it to transform us. And what is true in story is true in life, it is conflict, trials, suffering that transforms us.
"We also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character hope. and that hope will never put us to shame."
Romans 5:3-4.
The beautiful allegory, Hinds Feet for High Places, tells the story of a woman named Muich Afraid who is invited by The Good Shepherd to journey to the High Places and receive a new name. He sends her two guides on her way named Sorrow and Suffering. Upon meeting her companions for the journey she is utterly dismayed. "You tell me that the mountain way itself is so steep and difficult that I cannot climb it alone. Then why, oh why must you make Sorrow and Suffering my companions?" But the Good Shepherd responds, "They are good teachers, indeed I have few better. Fear not, Much afraid, I promise that you shall not be put to shame. Go with Sorrow and Suffering and they will take you exactly where I want you to go."
Sorrow and suffering are indeed good teachers. The trials of our relationship led us up a steep and rocky road. But with every conflict, we grew.
"As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another."
Proverbs 27:17
I don't know if you're aware of what happens when iron meets iron, but sparks fly. I think about all of the conflicts Corey and I had (and have) and I tell you what - we had some epic sparks. It wasn't easy. At several points in our relationship we had to ask ourselves if it was really worth it. It we were really meant to be together. But standing on the other side of the fire, I see it far more clearly. We were sharpening one another. The vast amount of growth that has occurred in each one of us over the past 3 years is evidence enough that God knows exactly what he's doing. And though the happily ever after doesn't look like I excepted, it is there all the same. Richer and more significant than I could have ever hoped.
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Sunday, August 5, 2012
The Cost Part 2 - Resurrection
This grace is making me a theif
Nothing comes for free, still you rescue me
This grace, it cuts me like a knife
I bleed but don't run dry, its a mystery
~ The Passerine
I'm not a huge mythical creature nerd. I don't really know the difference between a hobbit and a dwarf or how dragons fly, but I've always loved the concept of the phoenix. Legend has it that as the fire bird nears the end of its life, it builds a nest of twigs and ignites it. The fire burns fiercely until both bird and nest are reduced to ashes, out of which the phoenix is reborn anew to live again. Stronger and more powerful than ever before…
There is something about death that purifies us, something about fire that makes us stronger. We are reborn, made new. It is the mystery of the gospel that we live out time and time again. The days following my surrender to the Lord, my all consuming fire, were a mix of emotions. But I knew that I had finally done what I had never been able to do before - to truly choose the Lord. I had laid my life on the altar. I lit a match. I died to my desires. And afterward, I found myself… free. I think we often hold so tightly to our own desires and plans that we trap ourselves. But I had finally let go.
12/10/08
"Lord I don't want to live in the zoo. Well maybe, on the surface I do - I want to be comfortable and happy and entertained and have my friends and my family and my money and my job and my church and my community. I want it - its comforting, its safe. its secure, but it would waste me. It would trap me. It would draw up my life and spend it. I want to live, truly live. And that is scary. It is risky. It is not comfortable. But it means freedom and true life, true joy, true satisfaction. Adventure. Beauty. God. Rather I'd be wasted, consumed, ravished, ruined and spent by you Lord, than to be wasted by comfort."
I went home for winter break. I shared my new plan with my family and friends and it all started to feel real. I was really going to do this. This was really going to happen. I was moving to Germany. And then a funny thing happened. My tire went flat. Well that wasn't funny - it was 20 below zero and I was on the side of the highway at ten o'clock at night. But for some reason I felt like I should give Corey a call. We chatted while I waited for my brother to come pick me up. I told him more about Germany and this crazy thing the Lord was doing. The next day, Corey called me. And we chatted more. We talked a few more times over break and when we got back to Memphis things were definitely different. He started inviting me to study with him, to go out for coffee, to go do laundry together. We would go for long drives - we must have put a ten thousand miles on the car in a matter of weeks And he would text me to say goodnight. This was different. This was confusing.
I remember saying to myself, "Ok the last you heard he's not interested, so he's just being friendly." "Lord, I choose you. I will not be distracted." However, as time went on it was hard to deny the change in Corey. Our conversations turned from casual to spiritual. He asked questions, he sought to know my heart and in turn, he shared his heart with me. He was pursuing me. Honorably. Carefully. Slowly. This all went on for over a month… Then finally, the Steelers won the Superbowl. You may not understand the significance of this event, but if the Steelers hadn't won, I don't know that we would be standing here today. You see, The Steelers are Corey's TEAM. And when they won it gave him just enough adrenaline to do a few chin ups and ask me if I'd like to join him at Waffle House (classy I know). Being a pretty private guy, he hadn't told anyone about his feelings for me. So before he left to pick me up, he asked his roommate Jon what advice he might give if he was interested in a certain girl on campus. Jon responded,
"Does her name start with H and end with ilary?"
"Maybe"
"Well if you have any doubts don't do it."
"Check"
"Well then I'd say go for it."
"Alright well like my cousin always said - Its time for me to put my brain on the shelf and get my balls."
We got to Waffle House late in the evening. It was fairly empty. Corey sat across the booth from me with a silly nervous grin and started by saying,
"Well I called this meeting to order… I summoned the individual (a reference to his old band Summon the Fleet)….. to discuss a certain matter that has been on my aorta, that being my heart (no joke - words straight out of his mouth) for some time…..regarding a conversation we had not too long ago about feelings of on intimate nature… Are you aware of the conversation to which I am referring?" He grabbed his napkin and started tearing the edges.
"Yeees…"
"Well I wanted to ask you…. if we were to have that same conversation tonight…..would you say anything different?"
"Would you?"
"Hey not fair I asked you first!"
I decided to throw him a bone.
"Ha, ok no I wouldn't say anything different… I am in the same -"
"Booth?"
"Ha yes - booth."
"Ok well to answer the question that you posed to me, if I would say anything different… the answer is… yes." Grinning.
"Ok… so what does that mean?"
"That means that I…. like you."
By this time Corey had torn his napkin into a million tiny pieces, but he finally got it out. He liked me. I needed to know why. I needed to know how his heart had changed… He told me after hearing about Germany and seeing my dedication to the Lord that he knew he needed a woman like me in his life. He told me my strength was inspiring…. and a little intimidating. He told me that he was blessed by our conversations, that he found himself able to talk to me about anything and that was really important to him. I was completely honored. He could have given any reason - that he started seeing me in a new light, that he discovered how funny or pretty or whatever I was, but instead he was pursuing me for my heart. Not only that, but my heart for the Lord. I told him that I was still committed to going to Germany. He wouldn't have it any other way. We decided to take a couple weeks to seek the Lord and see what he had for us.
Throughout the next two weeks we sought council, I talked to my mentor, Corey to his. We received a lot of support and encouragement. We felt peace about starting a relationship, but there was Germany hanging over our heads. It would be a daunting task to start a relationship long distance… not to mention overseas distance. Then one day I received another email from Ken.
Hi Hilary,
Just wanted to let you know that the Germany team has decided to take another year to prepare for the school. They may still be interested in the future, but not this year. Hope this isn't a disappointment.
Ken
There it was. As quickly as Germany came into my world and turned it upside down, it was gone. And there was our green light. It felt unreal. It was too good to be true.
2/10/09
Oh Lord you are faithful! Oh Lord you a good. Your timing is perfect. You have given me such a beautiful gift - A story I am proud to tell - Of hearing your promise, trusting you, waiting on you, submitting and sacrificing, dying to it all and being made new. Oh beauty and glory and praise.
I was reminded of the story of Abraham and Isaac. The Lord had made a covenant with Abraham telling him that he would be "the father of many nations," that his descendent would be a numerous as the grains of sand. His wife, Sarah, however was barren and Abraham was 100 years old. It was laughable that the two would have any descendants, let alone "many nations." Yet the Lord had promised and at the age of 90, Sarah gave birth to her first son, Isaac. Isaac was the fulfillment of God's promise and Abraham treasured him. But one day…
God said, “Take your son , your only son, whom you love—Isaac—and go to the region of Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on a mountain I will show you. ”
Genesis 22: 2
Abraham did as he was instructed. He took his son, his promise, his treasure and led him to the mountains, built an altar and laid his son on the altar. As he reach out his hand and took his knife to slay his son, an angel appeared.
“Abraham! Abraham!”
“Here I am,” he replied.
“Do not lay a hand on the boy,” he said. “Do not do anything to him. Now I know that you fear God, because you have not withheld from me your son, your only son. ”
Abraham looked up and there in a thicket he saw a ram[a] caught by its horns. He went over and took the ram and sacrificed it as a burnt offering instead of his son.
Genesis 22: 9-13
The Lord tested Abraham, with the thing that held most dear, his son. He was so devoted to the Lord, trusted Him so completely, that he was willing to give up his son, his beloved. Seeing this, the Lord provided a way out. I believe the Lord needed to test me. To put me through the fire. To see where I had place my devotion, my delight. I was willing to lay my life on the altar, my desires, our relationship. And then… in his grace and goodness - he provided a way out. And he fulfilled his promise. Gave me the desire of my heart. I couldn't have dreamed a more beautiful story. Life out of death. Resurrection.
For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it.
Mathew 16:25
Nothing comes for free, still you rescue me
This grace, it cuts me like a knife
I bleed but don't run dry, its a mystery
~ The Passerine
I'm not a huge mythical creature nerd. I don't really know the difference between a hobbit and a dwarf or how dragons fly, but I've always loved the concept of the phoenix. Legend has it that as the fire bird nears the end of its life, it builds a nest of twigs and ignites it. The fire burns fiercely until both bird and nest are reduced to ashes, out of which the phoenix is reborn anew to live again. Stronger and more powerful than ever before…
There is something about death that purifies us, something about fire that makes us stronger. We are reborn, made new. It is the mystery of the gospel that we live out time and time again. The days following my surrender to the Lord, my all consuming fire, were a mix of emotions. But I knew that I had finally done what I had never been able to do before - to truly choose the Lord. I had laid my life on the altar. I lit a match. I died to my desires. And afterward, I found myself… free. I think we often hold so tightly to our own desires and plans that we trap ourselves. But I had finally let go.
12/10/08
"Lord I don't want to live in the zoo. Well maybe, on the surface I do - I want to be comfortable and happy and entertained and have my friends and my family and my money and my job and my church and my community. I want it - its comforting, its safe. its secure, but it would waste me. It would trap me. It would draw up my life and spend it. I want to live, truly live. And that is scary. It is risky. It is not comfortable. But it means freedom and true life, true joy, true satisfaction. Adventure. Beauty. God. Rather I'd be wasted, consumed, ravished, ruined and spent by you Lord, than to be wasted by comfort."
I went home for winter break. I shared my new plan with my family and friends and it all started to feel real. I was really going to do this. This was really going to happen. I was moving to Germany. And then a funny thing happened. My tire went flat. Well that wasn't funny - it was 20 below zero and I was on the side of the highway at ten o'clock at night. But for some reason I felt like I should give Corey a call. We chatted while I waited for my brother to come pick me up. I told him more about Germany and this crazy thing the Lord was doing. The next day, Corey called me. And we chatted more. We talked a few more times over break and when we got back to Memphis things were definitely different. He started inviting me to study with him, to go out for coffee, to go do laundry together. We would go for long drives - we must have put a ten thousand miles on the car in a matter of weeks And he would text me to say goodnight. This was different. This was confusing.
I remember saying to myself, "Ok the last you heard he's not interested, so he's just being friendly." "Lord, I choose you. I will not be distracted." However, as time went on it was hard to deny the change in Corey. Our conversations turned from casual to spiritual. He asked questions, he sought to know my heart and in turn, he shared his heart with me. He was pursuing me. Honorably. Carefully. Slowly. This all went on for over a month… Then finally, the Steelers won the Superbowl. You may not understand the significance of this event, but if the Steelers hadn't won, I don't know that we would be standing here today. You see, The Steelers are Corey's TEAM. And when they won it gave him just enough adrenaline to do a few chin ups and ask me if I'd like to join him at Waffle House (classy I know). Being a pretty private guy, he hadn't told anyone about his feelings for me. So before he left to pick me up, he asked his roommate Jon what advice he might give if he was interested in a certain girl on campus. Jon responded,
"Does her name start with H and end with ilary?"
"Maybe"
"Well if you have any doubts don't do it."
"Check"
"Well then I'd say go for it."
"Alright well like my cousin always said - Its time for me to put my brain on the shelf and get my balls."
We got to Waffle House late in the evening. It was fairly empty. Corey sat across the booth from me with a silly nervous grin and started by saying,
"Well I called this meeting to order… I summoned the individual (a reference to his old band Summon the Fleet)….. to discuss a certain matter that has been on my aorta, that being my heart (no joke - words straight out of his mouth) for some time…..regarding a conversation we had not too long ago about feelings of on intimate nature… Are you aware of the conversation to which I am referring?" He grabbed his napkin and started tearing the edges.
"Yeees…"
"Well I wanted to ask you…. if we were to have that same conversation tonight…..would you say anything different?"
"Would you?"
"Hey not fair I asked you first!"
I decided to throw him a bone.
"Ha, ok no I wouldn't say anything different… I am in the same -"
"Booth?"
"Ha yes - booth."
"Ok well to answer the question that you posed to me, if I would say anything different… the answer is… yes." Grinning.
"Ok… so what does that mean?"
"That means that I…. like you."
By this time Corey had torn his napkin into a million tiny pieces, but he finally got it out. He liked me. I needed to know why. I needed to know how his heart had changed… He told me after hearing about Germany and seeing my dedication to the Lord that he knew he needed a woman like me in his life. He told me my strength was inspiring…. and a little intimidating. He told me that he was blessed by our conversations, that he found himself able to talk to me about anything and that was really important to him. I was completely honored. He could have given any reason - that he started seeing me in a new light, that he discovered how funny or pretty or whatever I was, but instead he was pursuing me for my heart. Not only that, but my heart for the Lord. I told him that I was still committed to going to Germany. He wouldn't have it any other way. We decided to take a couple weeks to seek the Lord and see what he had for us.
Throughout the next two weeks we sought council, I talked to my mentor, Corey to his. We received a lot of support and encouragement. We felt peace about starting a relationship, but there was Germany hanging over our heads. It would be a daunting task to start a relationship long distance… not to mention overseas distance. Then one day I received another email from Ken.
Hi Hilary,
Just wanted to let you know that the Germany team has decided to take another year to prepare for the school. They may still be interested in the future, but not this year. Hope this isn't a disappointment.
Ken
There it was. As quickly as Germany came into my world and turned it upside down, it was gone. And there was our green light. It felt unreal. It was too good to be true.
2/10/09
Oh Lord you are faithful! Oh Lord you a good. Your timing is perfect. You have given me such a beautiful gift - A story I am proud to tell - Of hearing your promise, trusting you, waiting on you, submitting and sacrificing, dying to it all and being made new. Oh beauty and glory and praise.
I was reminded of the story of Abraham and Isaac. The Lord had made a covenant with Abraham telling him that he would be "the father of many nations," that his descendent would be a numerous as the grains of sand. His wife, Sarah, however was barren and Abraham was 100 years old. It was laughable that the two would have any descendants, let alone "many nations." Yet the Lord had promised and at the age of 90, Sarah gave birth to her first son, Isaac. Isaac was the fulfillment of God's promise and Abraham treasured him. But one day…
God said, “Take your son , your only son, whom you love—Isaac—and go to the region of Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on a mountain I will show you. ”
Genesis 22: 2
Abraham did as he was instructed. He took his son, his promise, his treasure and led him to the mountains, built an altar and laid his son on the altar. As he reach out his hand and took his knife to slay his son, an angel appeared.
“Abraham! Abraham!”
“Here I am,” he replied.
“Do not lay a hand on the boy,” he said. “Do not do anything to him. Now I know that you fear God, because you have not withheld from me your son, your only son. ”
Abraham looked up and there in a thicket he saw a ram[a] caught by its horns. He went over and took the ram and sacrificed it as a burnt offering instead of his son.
Genesis 22: 9-13
The Lord tested Abraham, with the thing that held most dear, his son. He was so devoted to the Lord, trusted Him so completely, that he was willing to give up his son, his beloved. Seeing this, the Lord provided a way out. I believe the Lord needed to test me. To put me through the fire. To see where I had place my devotion, my delight. I was willing to lay my life on the altar, my desires, our relationship. And then… in his grace and goodness - he provided a way out. And he fulfilled his promise. Gave me the desire of my heart. I couldn't have dreamed a more beautiful story. Life out of death. Resurrection.
For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it.
Mathew 16:25
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
The Cost
I’ve learned to hate my mother
I’ve learned to hate my father
I’ve learned to hate all the kin that I have known
I’ve learned to hate my brother
I’ve learned to hate my lover
I’ve learned to hate all the friends I call my own
I’ve learned to hate my efforts
I’ve learned to hate my treasures
I’ve learned to hate all the seeds that I have sown
I’ve learned to hate the easy out
I’ve learned to hate my comfort
I’ve learned to hate the safety that I take hold
I heard Him ask of me
Do you love me more than these
I’ve learned to hate my own desires
I’ve learned to hate my fear of the fire
I’ve learned to hate all the rights that I have claimed
I heard Him ask of me
Do you love me more than these
- The Passerine
Fire is a powerful force. A force that can melt the strongest of metals, transform sand into glass and bring great forests to dust in moments. It is a force to be reckoned with for sure. Its greatest power, however, is not so flashy. I believe fire's most valuable gift works on a much smaller scale. Imperceptible to the eye. Purification. Refinement. Gold is only refined by fire. Our God is an all consuming fire, with power to part the seas and crumble mountains. But His greatest work, is imperceptible to the eye. Our hearts are only refined by fire. All consuming fire.
I remember my time of waiting as whirlwind of emotion. I tried desperately to keep my heart in check, not to rush ahead of God's timing, not to hold too tightly to His promise. Holding it with an open hand. Trying not to worry about my Joseph. I wasn't always great at it. At times I found my thoughts consumed by that boy. I often wanted to take control. But I was determine to allow him to pursue me. And I was determined to" dwell in the land that I was in and befriend faithfulness." Faithfulness indeed took an interesting turn one December afternoon when I received an email from the president of my college. He wanted to meet with me about an opportunity. It turned out the college wanted to open a satellite location in Germany where I had served a few months prior as the Songwriting instructor for their summer music camp. They wanted me to head up the songwriting department. In Germany. In 6 months.
I was a little dumbfounded. "What do you think?" Ken asked with a big grin on his face. I was flattered. I was shocked. I was scared out of my mind. I told him I needed some time to think about it. To be honest I knew exactly what I thought about it. No way! I mean don't get me wrong, I loved Germany and all but not enough to move my life there! Leave my family? My friends? My church? My community? My language?! And not to mention this man that has been brought into my life! What about that promise Lord? I was totally freaked out. I needed to process this. I needed to fast and pray. Throughout my fast the scriptures I read had a common theme…
"If any would come after me he must deny himself and take up his cross daily. For whoever wants to save his life will loose it but whoever looses his life for my sake will save it."
Luke 9:23
"Since then you have been raised with Christ, set your heart on things above, where Christ is seated. For you died and your life is now hidden in Christ. When Christ who is your life appears then you also will appear in glory."
Collisions 3:1
"If anyone comes to Me, and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be My disciple.
Luke 14:26
"My peace I bring to you. My peace I leave with you. I do not give as the world gives. Do not be afraid and do not let your hearts be troubled."
John 14:27
Oh death. How we run from it. How we fight it. Death to ourselves, death to our desires, death to our plan for our lives. Somehow death is what we truly need. Death will bring us life.. It seems impossible. It is the great mystery and beauty of the gospel. In our finite understanding we believe our desires will bring us life. We don't realize how small our desires are. The Lord has much greater things for us than we could ever dream, if we would just surrender. If we would just die to ourselves. C.S. Lewis put is this way:
"If we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak.We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered to us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased."
I didn't want to be too easily pleased. I didn't want to settle for less than what God had in store. But I also didn't want to leave. My flesh was waring against my spirit. I needed to talk to someone. My friend Jan had moved to the US from the Czech Republic. I thought he might have some insight to offer, so I asked him how he made his decision to move here. He told me that he didn't want to live in the zoo. In the zoo you have all your needs taken care of. You have your food and your water and your shelter. You're comfortable. You're safe. But you're living in a cage. In the jungle it might be scary, there are predators roaming around. You have to fight for your food. But you're free. You're free to live as you were meant to live. You're free to have life. True life.
It appeared the Lord was calling me to the jungle, to a holiday at the sea. To something far greater that I had imagined for myself. But I had to die. I had to die to myself, to my plans, to my desires. The Lord was asking, do you love me? You say that I am your one true love, you say that you aren't going to chase after other loves. Gomer, do you love me? Do you love me more than you family and your friend and you church and community? Do you love me more than that boy? Do you love me more than your desires? Do you love me. And do you trust me? You say that you are ready to relinquish control, daughter of Eve. Do you trust me? To handle your desires? Lady in waiting, are you willing to wait? Wait on me? Not on on relationship, but on me?
All consuming fire. It was time to die.
Interestingly, the day I made my decision to move to Germany, Corey asked me to go out for coffee. He wanted to hear about my move to Germany. We had a great conversation and on the way home he brought up "our situation." He was aware that people were talking about us, like we were going to be the next big couple. He hated gossip, he wanted to clear the air. I knew I needed to tell him the truth.
"Well Corey, its not all gossip. I do have feelings for you. I didn't really see it coming. I thought if I put the feelings on the shelf for a little while they would might go way, but they didn't. I don't expect anything from you, but I thought I should be honest with you."
"Ok well I won't be weird."
"So I take that to mean you don't feel the same way?"
"Not that I'm aware of…"
All consuming fire.
I’ve learned to hate my father
I’ve learned to hate all the kin that I have known
I’ve learned to hate my brother
I’ve learned to hate my lover
I’ve learned to hate all the friends I call my own
I’ve learned to hate my efforts
I’ve learned to hate my treasures
I’ve learned to hate all the seeds that I have sown
I’ve learned to hate the easy out
I’ve learned to hate my comfort
I’ve learned to hate the safety that I take hold
I heard Him ask of me
Do you love me more than these
I’ve learned to hate my own desires
I’ve learned to hate my fear of the fire
I’ve learned to hate all the rights that I have claimed
I heard Him ask of me
Do you love me more than these
- The Passerine
Fire is a powerful force. A force that can melt the strongest of metals, transform sand into glass and bring great forests to dust in moments. It is a force to be reckoned with for sure. Its greatest power, however, is not so flashy. I believe fire's most valuable gift works on a much smaller scale. Imperceptible to the eye. Purification. Refinement. Gold is only refined by fire. Our God is an all consuming fire, with power to part the seas and crumble mountains. But His greatest work, is imperceptible to the eye. Our hearts are only refined by fire. All consuming fire.
I remember my time of waiting as whirlwind of emotion. I tried desperately to keep my heart in check, not to rush ahead of God's timing, not to hold too tightly to His promise. Holding it with an open hand. Trying not to worry about my Joseph. I wasn't always great at it. At times I found my thoughts consumed by that boy. I often wanted to take control. But I was determine to allow him to pursue me. And I was determined to" dwell in the land that I was in and befriend faithfulness." Faithfulness indeed took an interesting turn one December afternoon when I received an email from the president of my college. He wanted to meet with me about an opportunity. It turned out the college wanted to open a satellite location in Germany where I had served a few months prior as the Songwriting instructor for their summer music camp. They wanted me to head up the songwriting department. In Germany. In 6 months.
I was a little dumbfounded. "What do you think?" Ken asked with a big grin on his face. I was flattered. I was shocked. I was scared out of my mind. I told him I needed some time to think about it. To be honest I knew exactly what I thought about it. No way! I mean don't get me wrong, I loved Germany and all but not enough to move my life there! Leave my family? My friends? My church? My community? My language?! And not to mention this man that has been brought into my life! What about that promise Lord? I was totally freaked out. I needed to process this. I needed to fast and pray. Throughout my fast the scriptures I read had a common theme…
"If any would come after me he must deny himself and take up his cross daily. For whoever wants to save his life will loose it but whoever looses his life for my sake will save it."
Luke 9:23
"Since then you have been raised with Christ, set your heart on things above, where Christ is seated. For you died and your life is now hidden in Christ. When Christ who is your life appears then you also will appear in glory."
Collisions 3:1
"If anyone comes to Me, and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be My disciple.
Luke 14:26
"My peace I bring to you. My peace I leave with you. I do not give as the world gives. Do not be afraid and do not let your hearts be troubled."
John 14:27
Oh death. How we run from it. How we fight it. Death to ourselves, death to our desires, death to our plan for our lives. Somehow death is what we truly need. Death will bring us life.. It seems impossible. It is the great mystery and beauty of the gospel. In our finite understanding we believe our desires will bring us life. We don't realize how small our desires are. The Lord has much greater things for us than we could ever dream, if we would just surrender. If we would just die to ourselves. C.S. Lewis put is this way:
"If we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak.We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered to us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased."
I didn't want to be too easily pleased. I didn't want to settle for less than what God had in store. But I also didn't want to leave. My flesh was waring against my spirit. I needed to talk to someone. My friend Jan had moved to the US from the Czech Republic. I thought he might have some insight to offer, so I asked him how he made his decision to move here. He told me that he didn't want to live in the zoo. In the zoo you have all your needs taken care of. You have your food and your water and your shelter. You're comfortable. You're safe. But you're living in a cage. In the jungle it might be scary, there are predators roaming around. You have to fight for your food. But you're free. You're free to live as you were meant to live. You're free to have life. True life.
It appeared the Lord was calling me to the jungle, to a holiday at the sea. To something far greater that I had imagined for myself. But I had to die. I had to die to myself, to my plans, to my desires. The Lord was asking, do you love me? You say that I am your one true love, you say that you aren't going to chase after other loves. Gomer, do you love me? Do you love me more than you family and your friend and you church and community? Do you love me more than that boy? Do you love me more than your desires? Do you love me. And do you trust me? You say that you are ready to relinquish control, daughter of Eve. Do you trust me? To handle your desires? Lady in waiting, are you willing to wait? Wait on me? Not on on relationship, but on me?
All consuming fire. It was time to die.
Interestingly, the day I made my decision to move to Germany, Corey asked me to go out for coffee. He wanted to hear about my move to Germany. We had a great conversation and on the way home he brought up "our situation." He was aware that people were talking about us, like we were going to be the next big couple. He hated gossip, he wanted to clear the air. I knew I needed to tell him the truth.
"Well Corey, its not all gossip. I do have feelings for you. I didn't really see it coming. I thought if I put the feelings on the shelf for a little while they would might go way, but they didn't. I don't expect anything from you, but I thought I should be honest with you."
"Ok well I won't be weird."
"So I take that to mean you don't feel the same way?"
"Not that I'm aware of…"
All consuming fire.
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Lady in Waiting
Love is a burning thing
It makes a fiery ring
Bound by wild desire
I fell into a ring of fire
- June Carter
I love Tennessee in the fall. The cool crisp mornings Crystal clear skies. Warm sunshine. Soft breeze whispering through the trees. After the sweltering heat of the Mid-south summer, the autumn air is absolutely magical. There is something nostalgic about it for me, it reminds me of Minnesota, it brings me home. One beautiful fall morning I decided to go for a walk. It was November 1st, the day after Halloween and the neighborhood was still. Perhaps everyone was recovering from the sugar overload of the previous evening. I set out with the intent to spend some time with the Lord. I had become increasingly more aware of my new found feelings for Corey. As I observed him I began to notice things about him I never had before. He was well respected on campus. No longer known just for his crazy antics, Corey had grown into a leader among the men. I'm not sure he entirely realized it though, because he carried himself with such ease. He was passionate, praying for his brothers in Christ, ministering to youth through is band. I saw the Lord in him. People loved him. I admired him. And I had no idea what to do with it. In the past I was known to chase after romance. Never once trusting the Lord with my relationships, I would try to take control. In true daughter of Eve fashion, I would scheme and plot and throw myself at love. But I was committed to do this right. I didn't want to pursue love, I wanted to be pursued - in an honorable way - by an honorable man. A friend had given me a Psalm to read, thinking it would be an encouragement in my current situation. I knew I needed to pray through it. So I set off, bible in hand glad for a peaceful morning to spend with the Lord. I set out for the lake.
"Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness. Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust Him and he will act. Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him… For the meek shall inherit the promised land and have abundant peace."
Psalm 37; 3-11
Trust in the Lord. I was doing a good job of that. No more control. Not leaning on my own understanding. Allowing the Lord to work and move in my life. Check.
Dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness. Yes Lord! I commit myself to fully dwell in the here and now - this place, this moment. Not yearning for tomorrow or yesterday. Being faithful to what you've called me to as a single woman. Check.
Delight yourself in the Lord. Yes Lord you are my one true love. I will no longer chase after other loves I know they will not satisfy. Only you will satisfy.
And He will give you the desires of your heart. Wait What? I stopped dead in my tracks.
And He will give you the desires of your heart. Did I really believe that? I mean really? I know how this works, God…. Once we delight in You, then our desires will line up with yours. We no longer desire anything else because you are the desire of our heart. Very tricky. Right?
Silence. And just as I was about to move on to the next verse, I almost fell flat on my face. I had tripped over a pot hole in the road. The pot hole was in the shape of a heart. Ha. Ok Lord you have my attention. I could read no further. I knew God wanted to speak to me on this issue.
Truth be told, I wasn't so sure that the Lord wanted to give me the desires of my heart. Yes He is a loving God, but He is also mighty and jealous. I have to say I was a little intimidated by His jealously. Sometimes I felt that it was His goal to quench my spirit; as though He would rather take away all the things that give me joy, so that my joy would only be in Him. After all, he had walled me in, blocked my path so that I would not run to romance for my fix. I knew romance was a desire of my heart, but maybe he didn't want romance for me at all. He was supposed to be more than enough for me anyhow, right? So why should I need a husband if God is my bridegroom? Surely he wants me all to himself right?
I continued walking and came across a snickers bar, discarded by some costume clad kid the night before. My stomach groaned. I had forgotten to eat breakfast before my walk. Boy did that candy bar look good! I bent down to pick it up only to find that it was smashed flat - ran over by a car. Well, it could still be good… Then I saw the tear in the wrapper. Well that's just not sanitary. I left it behind and continued walking.
I started to recall my previous relationships. Even though I could see that they weren't right - they weren't healthy - I went ahead with them anyway. Like a child stopping to eat a damaged, dirty candy bar. But I was changed. I was done dating men who weren't worth my time. I wasn't chasing after love like that anymore. I'm waiting on you Lord. I'm not going to waste my heart and affections. I'm waiting for a worthy man. I'd like to think that Corey is worthy.... but I'm waiting on you Lord.
I continued walking and came upon another candy bar, a 100 Grand to be exact. It was perfect, not smashed, no tears in the wrapper - perfectly good to be eaten. Yes! I could totally eat this one! At this point my stomach was churning. I was so hungry! Just as I was about to take the plunge and partake I remembered that when I eat sweets before breakfast I get gut rot. I really should wait to get some real food in me before I eat any candy…. I held on to the candy bar, but didn't eat it.
The Lord then began to speak. You see Hilary, that's what I want for you. I'm happy to give you the candy bar. And not just any candy bar but a good candy bar. A 100 Grand bar. Perfect and delicious. I just want you to have some sustenance first… like a parent who wants their child to eat a good dinner before dessert. I pictured a child eating an ice cream cone… Its hard not to smile seeing them gleefully devouring the treat… dripping - literally - with delight. A parent delights in their child's delight!
So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him. Mattew 7:11.
I finally understood. The Lord takes joy in giving us the desires of our hearts. He finds joy in our joy. He takes delight in our delight. He desires to give good gifts to us. But first he wants us to come to him, to get our fill in him. If he gives us dessert first we won't have an appetite for dinner.
By this time I had reached the lake. I sat down at the dock and looked into the water. It was so clear I could see straight down to the bottom. I watched the sand swirl on the lake bed, moved gently by the water's ripples. I sat pondering what I had just heard from the Lord. Ok Lord, I hear you. I know you will alone will satisfy my soul. But will you really give me the desire of my heart. Will you really allow romance in my life? Will you really bring a husband to me? After the mess I've made in the past?
Suddenly something caught my eye. On the bottom of the lake, as though someone had taken their finger and drawn in the the sand, were two hearts linked together Finding it hard to believe my eyes I took a second look - this had to be my mind playing tricks on me. But sure enough, the hearts were still there, completely unmoved by the waters ripples. A sign. A symbol. A promise.
It was at that moment that I started to believe God's heart for me. That he knew my desires and delighted to give them to me. He desired to bring romance into my life. True, lovely, God honoring romance. It delighted him to do so. Other men had come across my path and were obviously not right for me, I gave my heart to them anyway. But here was Corey. My 100 Grand. A good man, worthy of my affections. The Lord was willing to give me the gift, but he was asking me to wait. To find my fill him Him. But how? And what do I do with my feelings for him in the meantime?
I found my answer as I began to study Mary, mother of Jesus. I think her story often gets missed in all the craziness of the Christmas story.
28The angel went to Mary and said, "Greetings, you who are highly favored! The Lord is with you….. Mary, you have found favor with God. 31You will be with child and give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus. 32He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High. The Lord God will give him the throne of his father David, 33and he will reign over the house of Jacob forever; his kingdom will never end."
34"How will this be," Mary asked the angel, "since I am a virgin?"
35The angel answered, "The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you. So the holy one to be born will be called[c] the Son of God. 36Even Elizabeth your relative is going to have a child in her old age, and she who was said to be barren is in her sixth month. 37For nothing is impossible with God."
38"I am the Lord's servant," Mary answered. "May it be to me as you have said." Then the angel left her.
Luke 1: 28 - 38
Now I'd like to highlight that this holy announcement would have been a lot to swallow. I think we often take her response for granted. Here she was a 16 year old girl, engaged to a good Jewish boy, planning her wedding with dreams for her future and now she's being told that she's not only going to have a child (miraculously and out of wedlock) but also that the child would be the son of God and Savior of the world. Remember this is happening at a very different time in history. Getting pregnant outside of marriage was a big deal - a disgrace and a sin worthy of stoning. And we're not talking pebbles here. Stoning could very well be a death sentence. Not to mention the fact that Joseph would know that the child was not his. Any self respecting Jewish man would want save his name and break off the engagement so as not to incriminate himself. Not only that, but he had every right to be standing with the first stone. She obviously had committed adultery against him, her betrothed. So I don’t know about you but I would have been asking some questions. Such as - Who's going to believe me? What if my parents throw me out on the street? What if I get stoned for this? And what am I supposed to say to Joseph?! What if he leaves me? How am I supposed to take care of a child on my own?! Instead she simply says, "I am the Lord's servant… May it be to me as you have said."
She didn't ask about the consequences. She didn't ask how it was all going to work out. She didn't scheme or plot or try to take control. She didn't worry about Joseph. She trusted the Lord. She believed him.
45 Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill his promises to her!” Luke 1:45
And here's the beautiful thing. ….
19 Because Joseph her husband was faithful to the law, and yet[e] did not want to expose her to public disgrace, he had in mind to divorce her quietly.20 But after he had considered this, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream and said, “Joseph son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary home as your wife, because what is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit. 21 She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus,[f] because he will save his people from their sins.”22 All this took place to fulfill what the Lord had said through the prophet: 23 “The virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel”[g] (which means “God with us”).24 When Joseph woke up, he did what the angel of the Lord had commanded him and took Mary home as his wife.
She didn't have to worry about Joseph. Even when all looked hopeless. Even after he resolved to break the engagement. The Lord intervened. She didn't have to worry about Joseph because the Lord took care of Joseph. The Lord spoke to him. All she had to do was wait. With an open hand. Holding on to what the Lord had given her and releasing what the Lord chose to take.
Here was my chance to trust the Lord. Trust his heart for me. Trust that he delights in my delight. Trust that he desires to give good gifts to his children. Trust that he would fulfill his promise to me. Trust that he would take care of my Joseph. Trust him with an open hand. Here was my chance to do it right. To wait upon him. To wait to be pursued. To dwell in the land land God had placed me and befriend faithfulness....
"Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness. Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust Him and he will act. Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him… For the meek shall inherit the promised land and have abundant peace."
Psalm 37; 3-11
It makes a fiery ring
Bound by wild desire
I fell into a ring of fire
- June Carter
I love Tennessee in the fall. The cool crisp mornings Crystal clear skies. Warm sunshine. Soft breeze whispering through the trees. After the sweltering heat of the Mid-south summer, the autumn air is absolutely magical. There is something nostalgic about it for me, it reminds me of Minnesota, it brings me home. One beautiful fall morning I decided to go for a walk. It was November 1st, the day after Halloween and the neighborhood was still. Perhaps everyone was recovering from the sugar overload of the previous evening. I set out with the intent to spend some time with the Lord. I had become increasingly more aware of my new found feelings for Corey. As I observed him I began to notice things about him I never had before. He was well respected on campus. No longer known just for his crazy antics, Corey had grown into a leader among the men. I'm not sure he entirely realized it though, because he carried himself with such ease. He was passionate, praying for his brothers in Christ, ministering to youth through is band. I saw the Lord in him. People loved him. I admired him. And I had no idea what to do with it. In the past I was known to chase after romance. Never once trusting the Lord with my relationships, I would try to take control. In true daughter of Eve fashion, I would scheme and plot and throw myself at love. But I was committed to do this right. I didn't want to pursue love, I wanted to be pursued - in an honorable way - by an honorable man. A friend had given me a Psalm to read, thinking it would be an encouragement in my current situation. I knew I needed to pray through it. So I set off, bible in hand glad for a peaceful morning to spend with the Lord. I set out for the lake.
"Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness. Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust Him and he will act. Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him… For the meek shall inherit the promised land and have abundant peace."
Psalm 37; 3-11
Trust in the Lord. I was doing a good job of that. No more control. Not leaning on my own understanding. Allowing the Lord to work and move in my life. Check.
Dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness. Yes Lord! I commit myself to fully dwell in the here and now - this place, this moment. Not yearning for tomorrow or yesterday. Being faithful to what you've called me to as a single woman. Check.
Delight yourself in the Lord. Yes Lord you are my one true love. I will no longer chase after other loves I know they will not satisfy. Only you will satisfy.
And He will give you the desires of your heart. Wait What? I stopped dead in my tracks.
And He will give you the desires of your heart. Did I really believe that? I mean really? I know how this works, God…. Once we delight in You, then our desires will line up with yours. We no longer desire anything else because you are the desire of our heart. Very tricky. Right?
Silence. And just as I was about to move on to the next verse, I almost fell flat on my face. I had tripped over a pot hole in the road. The pot hole was in the shape of a heart. Ha. Ok Lord you have my attention. I could read no further. I knew God wanted to speak to me on this issue.
Truth be told, I wasn't so sure that the Lord wanted to give me the desires of my heart. Yes He is a loving God, but He is also mighty and jealous. I have to say I was a little intimidated by His jealously. Sometimes I felt that it was His goal to quench my spirit; as though He would rather take away all the things that give me joy, so that my joy would only be in Him. After all, he had walled me in, blocked my path so that I would not run to romance for my fix. I knew romance was a desire of my heart, but maybe he didn't want romance for me at all. He was supposed to be more than enough for me anyhow, right? So why should I need a husband if God is my bridegroom? Surely he wants me all to himself right?
I continued walking and came across a snickers bar, discarded by some costume clad kid the night before. My stomach groaned. I had forgotten to eat breakfast before my walk. Boy did that candy bar look good! I bent down to pick it up only to find that it was smashed flat - ran over by a car. Well, it could still be good… Then I saw the tear in the wrapper. Well that's just not sanitary. I left it behind and continued walking.
I started to recall my previous relationships. Even though I could see that they weren't right - they weren't healthy - I went ahead with them anyway. Like a child stopping to eat a damaged, dirty candy bar. But I was changed. I was done dating men who weren't worth my time. I wasn't chasing after love like that anymore. I'm waiting on you Lord. I'm not going to waste my heart and affections. I'm waiting for a worthy man. I'd like to think that Corey is worthy.... but I'm waiting on you Lord.
I continued walking and came upon another candy bar, a 100 Grand to be exact. It was perfect, not smashed, no tears in the wrapper - perfectly good to be eaten. Yes! I could totally eat this one! At this point my stomach was churning. I was so hungry! Just as I was about to take the plunge and partake I remembered that when I eat sweets before breakfast I get gut rot. I really should wait to get some real food in me before I eat any candy…. I held on to the candy bar, but didn't eat it.
The Lord then began to speak. You see Hilary, that's what I want for you. I'm happy to give you the candy bar. And not just any candy bar but a good candy bar. A 100 Grand bar. Perfect and delicious. I just want you to have some sustenance first… like a parent who wants their child to eat a good dinner before dessert. I pictured a child eating an ice cream cone… Its hard not to smile seeing them gleefully devouring the treat… dripping - literally - with delight. A parent delights in their child's delight!
So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him. Mattew 7:11.
I finally understood. The Lord takes joy in giving us the desires of our hearts. He finds joy in our joy. He takes delight in our delight. He desires to give good gifts to us. But first he wants us to come to him, to get our fill in him. If he gives us dessert first we won't have an appetite for dinner.
By this time I had reached the lake. I sat down at the dock and looked into the water. It was so clear I could see straight down to the bottom. I watched the sand swirl on the lake bed, moved gently by the water's ripples. I sat pondering what I had just heard from the Lord. Ok Lord, I hear you. I know you will alone will satisfy my soul. But will you really give me the desire of my heart. Will you really allow romance in my life? Will you really bring a husband to me? After the mess I've made in the past?
Suddenly something caught my eye. On the bottom of the lake, as though someone had taken their finger and drawn in the the sand, were two hearts linked together Finding it hard to believe my eyes I took a second look - this had to be my mind playing tricks on me. But sure enough, the hearts were still there, completely unmoved by the waters ripples. A sign. A symbol. A promise.
It was at that moment that I started to believe God's heart for me. That he knew my desires and delighted to give them to me. He desired to bring romance into my life. True, lovely, God honoring romance. It delighted him to do so. Other men had come across my path and were obviously not right for me, I gave my heart to them anyway. But here was Corey. My 100 Grand. A good man, worthy of my affections. The Lord was willing to give me the gift, but he was asking me to wait. To find my fill him Him. But how? And what do I do with my feelings for him in the meantime?
I found my answer as I began to study Mary, mother of Jesus. I think her story often gets missed in all the craziness of the Christmas story.
28The angel went to Mary and said, "Greetings, you who are highly favored! The Lord is with you….. Mary, you have found favor with God. 31You will be with child and give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus. 32He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High. The Lord God will give him the throne of his father David, 33and he will reign over the house of Jacob forever; his kingdom will never end."
34"How will this be," Mary asked the angel, "since I am a virgin?"
35The angel answered, "The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you. So the holy one to be born will be called[c] the Son of God. 36Even Elizabeth your relative is going to have a child in her old age, and she who was said to be barren is in her sixth month. 37For nothing is impossible with God."
38"I am the Lord's servant," Mary answered. "May it be to me as you have said." Then the angel left her.
Luke 1: 28 - 38
Now I'd like to highlight that this holy announcement would have been a lot to swallow. I think we often take her response for granted. Here she was a 16 year old girl, engaged to a good Jewish boy, planning her wedding with dreams for her future and now she's being told that she's not only going to have a child (miraculously and out of wedlock) but also that the child would be the son of God and Savior of the world. Remember this is happening at a very different time in history. Getting pregnant outside of marriage was a big deal - a disgrace and a sin worthy of stoning. And we're not talking pebbles here. Stoning could very well be a death sentence. Not to mention the fact that Joseph would know that the child was not his. Any self respecting Jewish man would want save his name and break off the engagement so as not to incriminate himself. Not only that, but he had every right to be standing with the first stone. She obviously had committed adultery against him, her betrothed. So I don’t know about you but I would have been asking some questions. Such as - Who's going to believe me? What if my parents throw me out on the street? What if I get stoned for this? And what am I supposed to say to Joseph?! What if he leaves me? How am I supposed to take care of a child on my own?! Instead she simply says, "I am the Lord's servant… May it be to me as you have said."
She didn't ask about the consequences. She didn't ask how it was all going to work out. She didn't scheme or plot or try to take control. She didn't worry about Joseph. She trusted the Lord. She believed him.
45 Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill his promises to her!” Luke 1:45
And here's the beautiful thing. ….
19 Because Joseph her husband was faithful to the law, and yet[e] did not want to expose her to public disgrace, he had in mind to divorce her quietly.20 But after he had considered this, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream and said, “Joseph son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary home as your wife, because what is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit. 21 She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus,[f] because he will save his people from their sins.”22 All this took place to fulfill what the Lord had said through the prophet: 23 “The virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel”[g] (which means “God with us”).24 When Joseph woke up, he did what the angel of the Lord had commanded him and took Mary home as his wife.
She didn't have to worry about Joseph. Even when all looked hopeless. Even after he resolved to break the engagement. The Lord intervened. She didn't have to worry about Joseph because the Lord took care of Joseph. The Lord spoke to him. All she had to do was wait. With an open hand. Holding on to what the Lord had given her and releasing what the Lord chose to take.
Here was my chance to trust the Lord. Trust his heart for me. Trust that he delights in my delight. Trust that he desires to give good gifts to his children. Trust that he would fulfill his promise to me. Trust that he would take care of my Joseph. Trust him with an open hand. Here was my chance to do it right. To wait upon him. To wait to be pursued. To dwell in the land land God had placed me and befriend faithfulness....
"Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness. Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust Him and he will act. Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him… For the meek shall inherit the promised land and have abundant peace."
Psalm 37; 3-11
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Daughter of Eve
In these bodies we will live,
in these bodies we will die
Where you invest your love,
you invest your life
-Mumford and Sons
I am not marrying the man of my dreams. Gasp! Shock and awe! No its true. When I first laid eyes on my hubby-to-be I wasn't exactly impressed. The rowdy red-head from the mountains was NOT my type. As a bit of a hippie and a true romantic, I had always imagined myself with more of an artist, a poet, a songwriter, a minister. A bleeding heart with a cultured point of view. A tree hugger. Passionate - of course - and brilliant. A leader. We would write songs together, we would minister together. We would bring crowds of people to tears with the beauty of our words. He would love folk music and dancing - real dancing. And style… Yea he would have style… Indie and creative…. Sigh…. And Corey? Well…. let's just say he didn't fit the bill. Into hardcore screamo music with a flair for redneck culture, he spent more time planning practical jokes than studying. He never took anything too seriously and was known for his reckless behavior. Not to mention he was a litter bug! (I remember the first time I saw him throw a gum wrapper out the car window - I was utterly horrified! Littering is a cardinal sin according to my eco-friendly family…) Not to mention the fact that he was almost 4 years younger than me. (Although the first time I met him he lied to me and told me he was 23 (when he was 19) and the older brother of the two. I went a week under the belief that he was my age until I commented to someone "I can't believe Corey is 23!" "What are you talking about, he's 19." "What?!" …. Things made a lot more sense after that…)
Despite how vastly different we were, Corey and I became good friends. He had a way of pulling me out of my head (writers of any sort tend to get caught up in their thoughts…) He lived in the moment. He could make light of any situation and was always good for a laugh. He became a great source of joy for me - in a purely platonic way. Just my good buddy. At least that's how I saw it. Until my dear friend Crystal leaned over in class one day and asked, "Are you in love with him?" "What?! Nooooo!" Apparently we looked a little too comfortable with one another as I was sharing my box of cereal with him. I was appalled. I did NOT like Corey Yoder. Oh. My. Goodness. "Ok whatever you say…" It wasn't the last time someone asked me about things with Corey. People started popping up all over the place saying, "I think there's something there…" I wasn't convinced. He was sooo not my type.
Needless to say it took a bit of persuasion for my heart to change. I had a very specific person in mind that I wanted to marry and I was not going to settle for anything less. At least not again. God knows I had set my bar pretty low in the past… (Daddy used to say if you set your goals low you'll never be disappointed… boy was he ever wrong!) God works in tricky ways though…. And he had something else in mind…. He led me to The Kitchen…
A friend of mine gave a testimony telling a story from her childhood. When she was young, 4 or 5 years old, her Grandfather allowed her into his kitchen. Her grandfather was a wonderful cook. He had a beautiful kitchen with an amazing array of supplies and gadgets galore and he had given her free access. This was a child's paradise, a playground of spices and sauces. She went to work making the most "creative" concoctions possible. After cooking up a storm she would present her masterpieces with whole-hearted pride to her guinea pigs - her family members. You can imagine the creations of a 5 year old chef. The guinea pigs were never too enthused but they accepted the "food" (if you can call it that) graciously. Her grandfather tried to guide her. He would offer her suggestions on what to add and what to leave out, but she wasn't interested. She'd stomp her feet and shout "No I'm going to do it myself!" and push him out of the kitchen. As time went by, however, she began to notice that people really liked the things grandpa made and they didn't really seem to like what she had made. It appeared that perhaps Grandpa knew what he was doing… Slowly she began to listen to grandpa's suggestions, and eventually she even started to ask for his advice. And her cooking started to taste good! Really good! She realized the value of receiving instruction and trusting the wisdom of her Grandfather.
God is often like that Grandpa…. Gently and patiently guiding us with his wisdom and truth, though many of us stomp our feet and shout "No! I'm going to do it MY way!." I began to realize that I was pushing God out of the kitchen. I was convinced that I knew what was best for me and I was going to do what I needed to do to get it. I knew what I wanted for MY life. I wanted to be in ministry with my husband doing music so I would need X type of man with attributes A, B and C. I was the chef, stiring my own pot, I was adding my own spices, attempting to author my own story. I was a control freak. I needed to surrender.
I think the hardest part of surrender is trust. Trust is a scary thing. It makes you vulnerable. It puts you at the mercy of another. If you are to trust someone, you better make sure that they are trustworthy. And the truth is, I wasn't sure that God was. I was afraid to let God take over the kitchen. I didn't know where it would lead. How could I be sure that God was trustworthy? How could I be sure that God was good?
I'm not the first woman to ask this question. In fact, the question was there from the beginning, with the very first woman, Eve. It is the question that changed the course of history and all life as we know it. It is the question that caused the fall. We all know the story…. Adam and Eve were in the garden…
Now the serpent was the shrewdest of all the creatures the Lord God had made. "Really?" he asked the woman. "Did God really say you must not eat any of the fruit in the garden?" "Of course we may eat it, " the woman told him. "It's only the fruit from the tree at the center of the garden that we are not allowed to eat. God says we must not eat it or even touch it, or we will die." "You won't die!" the serpent hissed. "God knows that your eyes will be opened when you eat it. You will become just like God, knowing everything, both good and evil." The woman was convinced. She saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband who was with her and he ate it. Genesis 3: 2-6
That's all it took. The serpent, being so crafty and subtle in his deception only had to hint that God was holding out on them. That God was trying to keep good things from his people. That God wasn't trustworthy. And she was convinced. You can almost see the gears turning in her mind. I want be be like God. I want to know what God knows. I want to see what God sees. Why would he withhold that from me? And the fruit looks good to eat… Is God lying to us? Is He good? Is He trustworthy? The root of the fall was not trusting the character of God. Not trusting that He had the best intentions in mind. And then deciding to take matters into our own hands to ensure our own happiness. Control. Sigh… I am truly a daughter of Eve.
I always wanted to be in control. When I was in control I knew things would happen the way I thought they should. It was safe. I didn't need to trust anyone but myself, including God. Especially with my relationships. I needed to learn to let go. To allow God into the kitchen. To trust Him. To take my hand off the pot, turn over the spatula and back away from the stove. I started the process of surrender. Ok Lord. I give up! I have been pushing you out of my kitchen for too long. I need to trust you. I know you have a plan. I will step aside and let you handle the spices. I may need you help in gibing in, but i know I want your plan. I will surrender. Of course surrender is a continual thing. I've often laid down that spatula only to find it back in hand just moments later. But I opened myself up to His wisdom and as I did my heart began to change….
I remember a conversation with my mentor. We met weekly to discuss all the happenings in my life and she helped me seek God's guidance. I remember her asking me what kind of guy I'd like to marry. Knowing all the attributes of my ideal man by heart, I recited off my list "artist, songwriter, passionate, leader, minister, well read, hippie…" After listening to my list she said very matter of factly, "Hil, you know you can't marry yourself." Truth be told I that is exactly who I had described. A slightly more masculine, dark haired, tan skinned (so my poor children would have a chance at an average skin tone) version of myself. I don't know how I had never seen it before. "You need someone who will compliment you, who will be strong where you are weak and who will benefit from your strengths. I think you need to get rid of that list. Let God in His infinite wisdom and understand bring someone to you."
After wrestling with my list for some time I did manage to get rid of it. And God in his infinite wisdom brought someone to me. That rowdy red-headed mountain man. Carefree. Lighthearted, with a simple and steadfast trust in the Lord. The first time I had a sense of any feelings for him we were sitting next to each other at church. He went to put his arm across the back of the pew and his fingers brushed my arm. My heart went crazy - stars and lightning bolts, butterflies and fuzzes. What the heck was that? I asked myself. I'm not supposed to feel that about Corey! He's like a little brother! Aaaah! Crazy as I thought it was, something changed that day. I started to see what everyone was talking about. I started to see our compatibility. He is not at all what I expected, but looking back now, I wouldn't have it any other way….
in these bodies we will die
Where you invest your love,
you invest your life
-Mumford and Sons
I am not marrying the man of my dreams. Gasp! Shock and awe! No its true. When I first laid eyes on my hubby-to-be I wasn't exactly impressed. The rowdy red-head from the mountains was NOT my type. As a bit of a hippie and a true romantic, I had always imagined myself with more of an artist, a poet, a songwriter, a minister. A bleeding heart with a cultured point of view. A tree hugger. Passionate - of course - and brilliant. A leader. We would write songs together, we would minister together. We would bring crowds of people to tears with the beauty of our words. He would love folk music and dancing - real dancing. And style… Yea he would have style… Indie and creative…. Sigh…. And Corey? Well…. let's just say he didn't fit the bill. Into hardcore screamo music with a flair for redneck culture, he spent more time planning practical jokes than studying. He never took anything too seriously and was known for his reckless behavior. Not to mention he was a litter bug! (I remember the first time I saw him throw a gum wrapper out the car window - I was utterly horrified! Littering is a cardinal sin according to my eco-friendly family…) Not to mention the fact that he was almost 4 years younger than me. (Although the first time I met him he lied to me and told me he was 23 (when he was 19) and the older brother of the two. I went a week under the belief that he was my age until I commented to someone "I can't believe Corey is 23!" "What are you talking about, he's 19." "What?!" …. Things made a lot more sense after that…)
Despite how vastly different we were, Corey and I became good friends. He had a way of pulling me out of my head (writers of any sort tend to get caught up in their thoughts…) He lived in the moment. He could make light of any situation and was always good for a laugh. He became a great source of joy for me - in a purely platonic way. Just my good buddy. At least that's how I saw it. Until my dear friend Crystal leaned over in class one day and asked, "Are you in love with him?" "What?! Nooooo!" Apparently we looked a little too comfortable with one another as I was sharing my box of cereal with him. I was appalled. I did NOT like Corey Yoder. Oh. My. Goodness. "Ok whatever you say…" It wasn't the last time someone asked me about things with Corey. People started popping up all over the place saying, "I think there's something there…" I wasn't convinced. He was sooo not my type.
Needless to say it took a bit of persuasion for my heart to change. I had a very specific person in mind that I wanted to marry and I was not going to settle for anything less. At least not again. God knows I had set my bar pretty low in the past… (Daddy used to say if you set your goals low you'll never be disappointed… boy was he ever wrong!) God works in tricky ways though…. And he had something else in mind…. He led me to The Kitchen…
A friend of mine gave a testimony telling a story from her childhood. When she was young, 4 or 5 years old, her Grandfather allowed her into his kitchen. Her grandfather was a wonderful cook. He had a beautiful kitchen with an amazing array of supplies and gadgets galore and he had given her free access. This was a child's paradise, a playground of spices and sauces. She went to work making the most "creative" concoctions possible. After cooking up a storm she would present her masterpieces with whole-hearted pride to her guinea pigs - her family members. You can imagine the creations of a 5 year old chef. The guinea pigs were never too enthused but they accepted the "food" (if you can call it that) graciously. Her grandfather tried to guide her. He would offer her suggestions on what to add and what to leave out, but she wasn't interested. She'd stomp her feet and shout "No I'm going to do it myself!" and push him out of the kitchen. As time went by, however, she began to notice that people really liked the things grandpa made and they didn't really seem to like what she had made. It appeared that perhaps Grandpa knew what he was doing… Slowly she began to listen to grandpa's suggestions, and eventually she even started to ask for his advice. And her cooking started to taste good! Really good! She realized the value of receiving instruction and trusting the wisdom of her Grandfather.
God is often like that Grandpa…. Gently and patiently guiding us with his wisdom and truth, though many of us stomp our feet and shout "No! I'm going to do it MY way!." I began to realize that I was pushing God out of the kitchen. I was convinced that I knew what was best for me and I was going to do what I needed to do to get it. I knew what I wanted for MY life. I wanted to be in ministry with my husband doing music so I would need X type of man with attributes A, B and C. I was the chef, stiring my own pot, I was adding my own spices, attempting to author my own story. I was a control freak. I needed to surrender.
I think the hardest part of surrender is trust. Trust is a scary thing. It makes you vulnerable. It puts you at the mercy of another. If you are to trust someone, you better make sure that they are trustworthy. And the truth is, I wasn't sure that God was. I was afraid to let God take over the kitchen. I didn't know where it would lead. How could I be sure that God was trustworthy? How could I be sure that God was good?
I'm not the first woman to ask this question. In fact, the question was there from the beginning, with the very first woman, Eve. It is the question that changed the course of history and all life as we know it. It is the question that caused the fall. We all know the story…. Adam and Eve were in the garden…
Now the serpent was the shrewdest of all the creatures the Lord God had made. "Really?" he asked the woman. "Did God really say you must not eat any of the fruit in the garden?" "Of course we may eat it, " the woman told him. "It's only the fruit from the tree at the center of the garden that we are not allowed to eat. God says we must not eat it or even touch it, or we will die." "You won't die!" the serpent hissed. "God knows that your eyes will be opened when you eat it. You will become just like God, knowing everything, both good and evil." The woman was convinced. She saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband who was with her and he ate it. Genesis 3: 2-6
That's all it took. The serpent, being so crafty and subtle in his deception only had to hint that God was holding out on them. That God was trying to keep good things from his people. That God wasn't trustworthy. And she was convinced. You can almost see the gears turning in her mind. I want be be like God. I want to know what God knows. I want to see what God sees. Why would he withhold that from me? And the fruit looks good to eat… Is God lying to us? Is He good? Is He trustworthy? The root of the fall was not trusting the character of God. Not trusting that He had the best intentions in mind. And then deciding to take matters into our own hands to ensure our own happiness. Control. Sigh… I am truly a daughter of Eve.
I always wanted to be in control. When I was in control I knew things would happen the way I thought they should. It was safe. I didn't need to trust anyone but myself, including God. Especially with my relationships. I needed to learn to let go. To allow God into the kitchen. To trust Him. To take my hand off the pot, turn over the spatula and back away from the stove. I started the process of surrender. Ok Lord. I give up! I have been pushing you out of my kitchen for too long. I need to trust you. I know you have a plan. I will step aside and let you handle the spices. I may need you help in gibing in, but i know I want your plan. I will surrender. Of course surrender is a continual thing. I've often laid down that spatula only to find it back in hand just moments later. But I opened myself up to His wisdom and as I did my heart began to change….
I remember a conversation with my mentor. We met weekly to discuss all the happenings in my life and she helped me seek God's guidance. I remember her asking me what kind of guy I'd like to marry. Knowing all the attributes of my ideal man by heart, I recited off my list "artist, songwriter, passionate, leader, minister, well read, hippie…" After listening to my list she said very matter of factly, "Hil, you know you can't marry yourself." Truth be told I that is exactly who I had described. A slightly more masculine, dark haired, tan skinned (so my poor children would have a chance at an average skin tone) version of myself. I don't know how I had never seen it before. "You need someone who will compliment you, who will be strong where you are weak and who will benefit from your strengths. I think you need to get rid of that list. Let God in His infinite wisdom and understand bring someone to you."
After wrestling with my list for some time I did manage to get rid of it. And God in his infinite wisdom brought someone to me. That rowdy red-headed mountain man. Carefree. Lighthearted, with a simple and steadfast trust in the Lord. The first time I had a sense of any feelings for him we were sitting next to each other at church. He went to put his arm across the back of the pew and his fingers brushed my arm. My heart went crazy - stars and lightning bolts, butterflies and fuzzes. What the heck was that? I asked myself. I'm not supposed to feel that about Corey! He's like a little brother! Aaaah! Crazy as I thought it was, something changed that day. I started to see what everyone was talking about. I started to see our compatibility. He is not at all what I expected, but looking back now, I wouldn't have it any other way….
Sunday, July 1, 2012
Hosea
You say you’re lookin’ for someone
Never weak but always strong
To protect you an’ defend you
Whether you are right or wrong
Someone to open each and every door
But it ain’t me, babe
No, no, no, it ain’t me, babe
It ain’t me you’re lookin’ for, babe
-Bob Dylan
I think I can safely say that the entirety of my dating life was a disaster. It often felt as though some outside source was thwarting my every effort to find a boyfriend and I desperately wanted a boyfriend…. I don't know when that desire was first awakened or why, but it was definitely there. Like many young girls I daydreamed about my knight in shining armor coming to sweep me off my feet, instead they normally tripped me up and left me flat on my face. Ah young love.
There is something in a young woman's heart that longs to be adored, to be admired, to be beautiful. If you don't believe me, just take a look around. Women young and old adorn themselves with jewelry, make-up, clothes - all for the purpose of feeling beautiful. My interest in fashion started on my 2nd birthday, thanks to my dear sweet aunties who dressed me up in all my new outfits for my very first fashion show. I whirled and twirled around while everyone oooed and ahhhed. Bam - I was hooked. Admiration addict at the age of 2.
If only I had been taught to take that desire to the Lord… Instead, as I grew older, I wanted that attention from boys. I pursued one interest after another, hoping that maybe this would be the one - maybe this will be my true love. And if not my true love, then at least it will give me some moment of bliss knowing that I was worthy to be pursued. Somewhere down the line I started to believe that my validation would be found in a man. Maybe thats because all the pretty popular girls in elementary school got a lot of attention from the boys…. I, on the other hand, did not. Painfully shy, a little on the plump side and blessed with a face full of freckles and crazy pouffy curls, I was not the most sought after girl at Christa McAuliffe Elementary….. I think i always carried that awkward little girl with me…. Always wanting someone to take notice. Always wanting to be called beautiful. Always seeking that love that would supposedly make me whole. Romance was the second great addiction of my life. I lived for it. I longed for it. Romance offered a high unmatched by anything else in my existence. I sacrificed much of my heart and purity is search of it. That is until I met Hosea.
I remember the moment distinctly. I was on the road with CTI, contemplating a rough breakup while reminiscing on my long history of failed romances. (Touring the US in a van full-time left me with plenty of time to my thoughts.) I found myself completely ashamed of the spectacle I had become. Surely I knew I was worth more… But somehow I continued throwing myself at love time and time again, whose ever face it belonged to. Rather that being fulfilled I was used and rejected or smothered and shamed. I didn't understand why God would allow all this to happen. I remember saying to the Lord, "Why? Why do they all end this way? Why don't they work? What am I doing wrong?" The Lord led me to the book for Hosea. In all my previous Bible study I had never read the short account of this unlikely prophet. Considering the scandalous nature of its contents I'm surprised it isn't a more popular read. Hosea opens by saying,
"When the Lord began to speak through Hosea, the Lord sad ti him, "Go marry a promiscuous woman and have children with her, for like an adulterous wife, this land is guilty of unfaithfulness to the Lord." Hosea 1:2.
Intrigued? So was I….. Throughout scripture the Lord often refers to the church, his people, you and me, as his Bride…. but to ask one of his very own prophets to live out an adulterous relationship seemed a little too literal. Nevertheless, Hosea did as he was commanded. He married an adulterous woman named Gomer, and together they had three. children. But as you can expect, Gomer grew restless, and she began to seek out other lovers,
"I will go after my lovers who give me my food and my water, my wool and my linen, my oil and my drink. Therefore I will block her path with thorn-bushes; I will wall her in so that she cannot find her way. She will chase after her lovers but not catch them; she will look for them but not find them, Then she will say, 'I will go back to my husband as at first, for then I was better off than now." Hosea 2:5-7
Gomer believed that her other lovers could give to her what she desired most. She believed they would fill insatiable hole inside her. She pursued her lovers like they were her lifeblood. Like an addict. Like me. Suddenly I saw it. I was Gomer. I was the adulterous woman. I was seeking my other lovers before my First love. And the Lord responded to me in much the same way he did with Gomer.
He walled her in, he blocked her path. Though she sought her lovers, she could not catch them. He did this not in cruelty, but in love. To guide her back to her first love. I finally understood why so many of my relationships had ended in disaster. There truly WAS an outside source thwarting my ever effort to get the guy. Ha. He had been walling me in - protecting me - and waiting for me to come to Him whose Love would truly fulfill.
"She has not acknowledged that I was the one who gave her the grain, the new wine and oil, who lavished on her silver and gold." Hosea 2:8.
Little did I know, that the Lord was the source of my desire. I was seeking to fill the insatiable hole in my heart with romance. But that insatiable hole could only be filled, could only be satisfied by the one source of unconditional love. My Lord. My Love. My God.
"Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the wilderness and speak tenderly to her… In that day, declares the Lord, you will call me 'my husband' you will no longer call me 'my master.' I will betroth you to me forever in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion. I will betroth you in faithfulness and you will acknowledge the Lord….. I will show my love to the one called 'Not loved one.' " Hosea 2: 15-21
I began a long process of recovery. Like most addicts I had some relapses. I was tested many times and failed. It wasn't easy. But I was told if you want what you've never had you must do what you've never done. So that's what I did. I walked away from love as I knew it. It took years for me to give up my romance addiction, the crutch, the drug that I used to fill my heart. But slowly and surely I allowed the Lord to be my love, to romance me and give me the true desires of my heart. Affirmation. Identity. Validation. All these things were found in Christ alone. I learned to hold my heart captive for Him. To wait for Him. To trust Him . He led me to into the wilderness. The urban jungle of Memphis, TN (where, incidentally, I met my future husband….) He spoke tenderly to me. Told me I was beautiful. Reminded me of who I am.
I truly believe that was the beginning of my journey to the altar. Recognizing the Lord as my First love. On the road, in a van ,somewhere in the United States I started my romance with my One True Love. And I believe that is where our story began as well...
Never weak but always strong
To protect you an’ defend you
Whether you are right or wrong
Someone to open each and every door
But it ain’t me, babe
No, no, no, it ain’t me, babe
It ain’t me you’re lookin’ for, babe
-Bob Dylan
I think I can safely say that the entirety of my dating life was a disaster. It often felt as though some outside source was thwarting my every effort to find a boyfriend and I desperately wanted a boyfriend…. I don't know when that desire was first awakened or why, but it was definitely there. Like many young girls I daydreamed about my knight in shining armor coming to sweep me off my feet, instead they normally tripped me up and left me flat on my face. Ah young love.
There is something in a young woman's heart that longs to be adored, to be admired, to be beautiful. If you don't believe me, just take a look around. Women young and old adorn themselves with jewelry, make-up, clothes - all for the purpose of feeling beautiful. My interest in fashion started on my 2nd birthday, thanks to my dear sweet aunties who dressed me up in all my new outfits for my very first fashion show. I whirled and twirled around while everyone oooed and ahhhed. Bam - I was hooked. Admiration addict at the age of 2.
If only I had been taught to take that desire to the Lord… Instead, as I grew older, I wanted that attention from boys. I pursued one interest after another, hoping that maybe this would be the one - maybe this will be my true love. And if not my true love, then at least it will give me some moment of bliss knowing that I was worthy to be pursued. Somewhere down the line I started to believe that my validation would be found in a man. Maybe thats because all the pretty popular girls in elementary school got a lot of attention from the boys…. I, on the other hand, did not. Painfully shy, a little on the plump side and blessed with a face full of freckles and crazy pouffy curls, I was not the most sought after girl at Christa McAuliffe Elementary….. I think i always carried that awkward little girl with me…. Always wanting someone to take notice. Always wanting to be called beautiful. Always seeking that love that would supposedly make me whole. Romance was the second great addiction of my life. I lived for it. I longed for it. Romance offered a high unmatched by anything else in my existence. I sacrificed much of my heart and purity is search of it. That is until I met Hosea.
I remember the moment distinctly. I was on the road with CTI, contemplating a rough breakup while reminiscing on my long history of failed romances. (Touring the US in a van full-time left me with plenty of time to my thoughts.) I found myself completely ashamed of the spectacle I had become. Surely I knew I was worth more… But somehow I continued throwing myself at love time and time again, whose ever face it belonged to. Rather that being fulfilled I was used and rejected or smothered and shamed. I didn't understand why God would allow all this to happen. I remember saying to the Lord, "Why? Why do they all end this way? Why don't they work? What am I doing wrong?" The Lord led me to the book for Hosea. In all my previous Bible study I had never read the short account of this unlikely prophet. Considering the scandalous nature of its contents I'm surprised it isn't a more popular read. Hosea opens by saying,
"When the Lord began to speak through Hosea, the Lord sad ti him, "Go marry a promiscuous woman and have children with her, for like an adulterous wife, this land is guilty of unfaithfulness to the Lord." Hosea 1:2.
Intrigued? So was I….. Throughout scripture the Lord often refers to the church, his people, you and me, as his Bride…. but to ask one of his very own prophets to live out an adulterous relationship seemed a little too literal. Nevertheless, Hosea did as he was commanded. He married an adulterous woman named Gomer, and together they had three. children. But as you can expect, Gomer grew restless, and she began to seek out other lovers,
"I will go after my lovers who give me my food and my water, my wool and my linen, my oil and my drink. Therefore I will block her path with thorn-bushes; I will wall her in so that she cannot find her way. She will chase after her lovers but not catch them; she will look for them but not find them, Then she will say, 'I will go back to my husband as at first, for then I was better off than now." Hosea 2:5-7
Gomer believed that her other lovers could give to her what she desired most. She believed they would fill insatiable hole inside her. She pursued her lovers like they were her lifeblood. Like an addict. Like me. Suddenly I saw it. I was Gomer. I was the adulterous woman. I was seeking my other lovers before my First love. And the Lord responded to me in much the same way he did with Gomer.
He walled her in, he blocked her path. Though she sought her lovers, she could not catch them. He did this not in cruelty, but in love. To guide her back to her first love. I finally understood why so many of my relationships had ended in disaster. There truly WAS an outside source thwarting my ever effort to get the guy. Ha. He had been walling me in - protecting me - and waiting for me to come to Him whose Love would truly fulfill.
"She has not acknowledged that I was the one who gave her the grain, the new wine and oil, who lavished on her silver and gold." Hosea 2:8.
Little did I know, that the Lord was the source of my desire. I was seeking to fill the insatiable hole in my heart with romance. But that insatiable hole could only be filled, could only be satisfied by the one source of unconditional love. My Lord. My Love. My God.
"Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the wilderness and speak tenderly to her… In that day, declares the Lord, you will call me 'my husband' you will no longer call me 'my master.' I will betroth you to me forever in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion. I will betroth you in faithfulness and you will acknowledge the Lord….. I will show my love to the one called 'Not loved one.' " Hosea 2: 15-21
I began a long process of recovery. Like most addicts I had some relapses. I was tested many times and failed. It wasn't easy. But I was told if you want what you've never had you must do what you've never done. So that's what I did. I walked away from love as I knew it. It took years for me to give up my romance addiction, the crutch, the drug that I used to fill my heart. But slowly and surely I allowed the Lord to be my love, to romance me and give me the true desires of my heart. Affirmation. Identity. Validation. All these things were found in Christ alone. I learned to hold my heart captive for Him. To wait for Him. To trust Him . He led me to into the wilderness. The urban jungle of Memphis, TN (where, incidentally, I met my future husband….) He spoke tenderly to me. Told me I was beautiful. Reminded me of who I am.
I truly believe that was the beginning of my journey to the altar. Recognizing the Lord as my First love. On the road, in a van ,somewhere in the United States I started my romance with my One True Love. And I believe that is where our story began as well...
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Prologue
Here I raise mine Ebenezer;
hither by thy help I'm come;
and I hope, by thy good pleasure,
safely to arrive at home.
I am a sucker for a good story. Maybe that's what drew me to study English (that otherwise remains a great mystery to this day.) There's just something about a good story that will have me reflecting for days, weeks even. My favorite piece of a story is the character arch. I love watching a character develop and progress and at the end reach a beautiful life changing epiphany. You don't always see it coming, you don't believe the character has the capacity change or grow, but somehow along the way, along a seemingly random and sometimes cruel series of events, the transformation happens. Beautiful, glorious, amazing. You look back through the story (well at least I do - English major here) and pick up the clues. A conversation, a passing happenstance, holds infinite significance. And often it is in the moment of greatest despair that the character finds his redemption. I've always admired fiction writers. The ability to create life-like characters and bring them on a journey of the soul is a talent I don't possess. I observe life as it happens, but to have the foresight and the vision to create and change a life… that is next to godliness.
God, is all about stories… and characters… and changing people. The Bible, the very Word of God, given to us, His people… is a collection of stories. Real life, real people, real struggle. How beautiful, that our Lord chooses to reveal Himself to us in the lives of His people, in a way that we can relate to. I don't know about you, but when I read a good book, I find myself in the story. I see the characters' struggles and I can relate. I see their transformation and I myself am transformed. There is something powerful in a story and our infinitely loving Father knows that. So he gave us His stories. The stories He wrote in the lives of His people. A blueprint for life. The comfort that someone else has been there. The knowledge that there is hope for redemption. But of course He didn't stop there. He is the master of all our stories and has been weaving the most beautiful and intricate adventures with our own lives since the very beginning. He is our Author, the perfecter of our faith and he knows what he's doing. All the bumps and bruises, all the pain and heartache in the life are all for a purpose. Romans 8:28 reminds us that God works all things together for the good of those who love him… For he predestined us to be conformed to the image of his Son… So that he might be glorified. All the circumstances we find ourselves in are for a purpose. They are leading us on a journey of the soul…. to be transformed…. to be sanctified and made more like Christ…. and ultimately to bring glory to God the Father who wrote it all.
Throughout the old testament, God's people were instructed to build altars, in remembrance of His work in their lives. The altars normally consisted of an arrangement of stones. They represented a sacred encounter with the Living God. Their purpose what to help us remember the acts, the faithfulness of God. To name a few;
After Jacob is given a new name:
14 Jacob set up a stone pillar at the place where God had talked with him, and he poured out a drink offering on it; he also poured oil on it. 15 Jacob called the place where God had talked with him Bethel.[g]
After the Lord restored Israel:
Samuel took a large stone and placed it between the towns of Mizpah and Jeshanah. He named it Ebenezer—"the stone of help"—for he said, "Up to this point the Lord has helped us!" —1 Samuel 7:12
After the Israelites crossed the Jordan:
And those twelve stones which they took out of the Jordan, Joshua set up in Gilgal. Then he spoke to the children of Israel, saying: “When your children ask their fathers in time to come, saying, ‘What are these stones?’ then you shall let your children know, saying, ‘Israel crossed over this Jordan on dry land’; for the LORD your God dried up the waters of the Jordan, that all the peoples of the earth may know the hand of the LORD, that it is mighty, that you may fear the LORD your God forever.” Joshua 4:19-24
Now I'm not much of a builder and I'm not great with heavy lifting, but I believe I need to construct my own kind of altar to help me remember the Lord's faithfulness in my life. I am staring down the barrel of a brand new chapter in my life. In a few short months I will change my name and start a new life with my husband. Our journey to the altar has been wrought with heartache and growing pains but absolutely filled with God. Before I step into this new life, I want to document our journey, the amazingly beautiful story that God has written with our lives. I want to raise my Ebenezer saying, "Up to this point the Lord has helped us!." I want to construct an altar for my children, so they might "know the hand of the Lord.". As I am given a new name, I want to embrace my new identity. I want to record my own character arch, woven by the Author of our faith. I want to write our story.
Over the next 11 weeks (amidst wedding planning, overseas honeymoon planning, tour planning and moving) I will attempt this. It may not go according to plan. As though I need anything more to add to my insanity! But it is my prayer that this process will help prepare me for my next chapter. I invite you into my journey… into my story… and I pray that it will be an encouragement to some of you out there. It is - after all - written by God.
hither by thy help I'm come;
and I hope, by thy good pleasure,
safely to arrive at home.
I am a sucker for a good story. Maybe that's what drew me to study English (that otherwise remains a great mystery to this day.) There's just something about a good story that will have me reflecting for days, weeks even. My favorite piece of a story is the character arch. I love watching a character develop and progress and at the end reach a beautiful life changing epiphany. You don't always see it coming, you don't believe the character has the capacity change or grow, but somehow along the way, along a seemingly random and sometimes cruel series of events, the transformation happens. Beautiful, glorious, amazing. You look back through the story (well at least I do - English major here) and pick up the clues. A conversation, a passing happenstance, holds infinite significance. And often it is in the moment of greatest despair that the character finds his redemption. I've always admired fiction writers. The ability to create life-like characters and bring them on a journey of the soul is a talent I don't possess. I observe life as it happens, but to have the foresight and the vision to create and change a life… that is next to godliness.
God, is all about stories… and characters… and changing people. The Bible, the very Word of God, given to us, His people… is a collection of stories. Real life, real people, real struggle. How beautiful, that our Lord chooses to reveal Himself to us in the lives of His people, in a way that we can relate to. I don't know about you, but when I read a good book, I find myself in the story. I see the characters' struggles and I can relate. I see their transformation and I myself am transformed. There is something powerful in a story and our infinitely loving Father knows that. So he gave us His stories. The stories He wrote in the lives of His people. A blueprint for life. The comfort that someone else has been there. The knowledge that there is hope for redemption. But of course He didn't stop there. He is the master of all our stories and has been weaving the most beautiful and intricate adventures with our own lives since the very beginning. He is our Author, the perfecter of our faith and he knows what he's doing. All the bumps and bruises, all the pain and heartache in the life are all for a purpose. Romans 8:28 reminds us that God works all things together for the good of those who love him… For he predestined us to be conformed to the image of his Son… So that he might be glorified. All the circumstances we find ourselves in are for a purpose. They are leading us on a journey of the soul…. to be transformed…. to be sanctified and made more like Christ…. and ultimately to bring glory to God the Father who wrote it all.
Throughout the old testament, God's people were instructed to build altars, in remembrance of His work in their lives. The altars normally consisted of an arrangement of stones. They represented a sacred encounter with the Living God. Their purpose what to help us remember the acts, the faithfulness of God. To name a few;
After Jacob is given a new name:
14 Jacob set up a stone pillar at the place where God had talked with him, and he poured out a drink offering on it; he also poured oil on it. 15 Jacob called the place where God had talked with him Bethel.[g]
After the Lord restored Israel:
Samuel took a large stone and placed it between the towns of Mizpah and Jeshanah. He named it Ebenezer—"the stone of help"—for he said, "Up to this point the Lord has helped us!" —1 Samuel 7:12
After the Israelites crossed the Jordan:
And those twelve stones which they took out of the Jordan, Joshua set up in Gilgal. Then he spoke to the children of Israel, saying: “When your children ask their fathers in time to come, saying, ‘What are these stones?’ then you shall let your children know, saying, ‘Israel crossed over this Jordan on dry land’; for the LORD your God dried up the waters of the Jordan, that all the peoples of the earth may know the hand of the LORD, that it is mighty, that you may fear the LORD your God forever.” Joshua 4:19-24
Now I'm not much of a builder and I'm not great with heavy lifting, but I believe I need to construct my own kind of altar to help me remember the Lord's faithfulness in my life. I am staring down the barrel of a brand new chapter in my life. In a few short months I will change my name and start a new life with my husband. Our journey to the altar has been wrought with heartache and growing pains but absolutely filled with God. Before I step into this new life, I want to document our journey, the amazingly beautiful story that God has written with our lives. I want to raise my Ebenezer saying, "Up to this point the Lord has helped us!." I want to construct an altar for my children, so they might "know the hand of the Lord.". As I am given a new name, I want to embrace my new identity. I want to record my own character arch, woven by the Author of our faith. I want to write our story.
Over the next 11 weeks (amidst wedding planning, overseas honeymoon planning, tour planning and moving) I will attempt this. It may not go according to plan. As though I need anything more to add to my insanity! But it is my prayer that this process will help prepare me for my next chapter. I invite you into my journey… into my story… and I pray that it will be an encouragement to some of you out there. It is - after all - written by God.
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