The mountain pass is long
narrow, crooked, cold
and sorrow seems a strange guide
to send me on my way
but thats the way you save me
-The Passerine
Happily ever after. I consider myself to be a pretty grounded person. Fairly realistic. But somehow, somewhere in the back of my mind I believed in happily ever after. Perhaps I read one too many fairy tales growing up. All the prince had to do was find his princess, and then they would live happily ever after. When Corey and I started our relationship I truly thought we were living in the happily ever after. Our first date happened to fall on Valentine's Day. (I know, right?). We went out for dinner and were seated at the prime spot in the restaurant, a half circle booth that sat up high and gave an overlook of the entire restaurant. We were absolutely giddy, on a high like no other, completely enamored with one another. We watched the couples seated all around, some chatting sweetly, some laughing and gazing into each other's eyes. There was one couple, though, that was sitting in silence, their eyes planted on the floor. They wouldn't look at each other. The woman said something, the man shrugged his shoulders. Their food came. They ate without speaking. We couldn't believe our eyes. How could a couple ever get to that point? We would never be like that! We had something so much better…. Oh young love…. I remember gushing to my roommate one afternoon about how God had brought us together in the most beautiful way and how amazing and wonderful everything was. Suzy, who had been dating her man for over a year just smiled and said "You're in a great season right now, Hil, enjoy it." If only I had an inkling of what she was talking about, I might have done more to take it all in.
Our happily ever after lasted about a month. I distinctly remember our first fight. Corey actually remembers the exact dress I was wearing and cringes every time I put it on. We were enjoying a walk around the lake and had settled at a picnic table to do some devotions together when he said it. I don't even know why and how it came up but he said, "Lighten up Hil, have a little fun." Game over. I promptly got up and started marching to the car. Corey had no idea what was going on. He had never seen me like this. The words were simple, and truly meant no harm, but they struck a chord that ran deep. A feeling that had haunted me all my life. That I wasn't any fun. That people didn't like me. That I was not lovable. One of those wounds from childhood that have a way of surfacing at the most unexpected times. And that's the trick of it. We all have land mines hidden in our hearts. Without warning you'll find yourself in a cloud of fire and smoke wondering what just happened.
We hit one of Corey's a few weeks later on a trip back to his home in Maryland. We had anticipated a lovely, relaxing vacation. Having been brought together in such a beautiful way there was a great amount of pressure for perfection in our relationship. Both of us had made mistakes in our previous relationships and we wanted this one to be perfect. All we had to do was not mess it up. One carefree night, unbeknownst to us, we stumbled into treacherous land. We said I love you. But the moment was all wrong. It wasn't special enough. It didn't hold the depth that it ought to. It wasn't how we wanted our story to go. The pressure for perfection was too great. Corey withdrew. The force of it was as felt strong as dynamite. He seemed a stranger. It left me asking who was this person standing before me and where did my boyfriend go? A lonely place to be when you're 1,000 miles from anyone you know...
We realized we didn't know each other near as well and we thought. As we discovered more about each other, our list of differences grew at an exponential rate. And their implications seemed overwhelming. I was a planner, Corey liked to fly by the seat of his pants. (So I seemed controlling and Corey seemed irresponsible.) I desired to have heartfelt conversations, Corey wanted someone to goof off with. (But I never felt like I was any fun and Corey never felt that he had any spiritual depth to offer.) Our weaknesses played off one another in the most devastating ways. I got overwhelmed in large groups, Corey was a social butterfly. I spoke openly, Corey was a closed book. The list went on and on. It seemed impossible for this relationship to work. How could two people with such different needs, desires, strengths and weaknesses every work together. We were too different. It was a disaster. How could this be and why would God bring us together if it was going to be so hard?
John Eldrige spoke on this in his book Love and War. He brings up the phrase that veterans of dangerous expeditions unanimously urge, "Choose your tent mate carefully." The saying implies that you ought to choose someone you are utterly compatible with because after weeks on end in close quarters, every small difference will drive you crazy. That's not how God works though…
"God does the opposite - he puts us with our opposite. Our mutual brokenness plays off each other so perfectly that is its frightening. It's like throwing a dog and a cat in a dryer… like throwing Cinderella and Huck Finn into a submarine and closing the hatch"
Here I was, Cinderella, arms crossed, sitting beside Huck Finn floating somewhere in the ocean, wondering why… wondering why we had gotten into this mess and how we would ever make it out alive. I was reminded of my creative writing course in college. Our very first lesson was on conflict. My professor insisted that without conflict, there is no story. I could tell you about the most beautiful day, the sun shining, birds singing, not a cloud in the sky. We go for a picnic, set out our blanket underneath the shade of a perfect oak tree. Have a delicious meal, a nice conversation and go home. Nothing about that chain of events would be compelling. But if I told you we had gone for a picnic… The boy desperately wanted to impress me…. Nervously opening the tupperware, he flung the pasta salad into the air, landing it on my head, as rain began to pour down… you would would have yourself a story. We all have a picture in our minds of a perfect life. Life exactly how it was "meant" to be. Easy, happy without conflict. We strive for that perfection in our lives. But we need conflict. Conflict creates story. And God is the ultimate author. He knows all the elements of a good story and has a penchant for creating the most compelling character arch. The writer of a good novel knows that he must put his characters under pressure. That his characters much experience some pain for the purpose of his ultimate growth.
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son."
Romans 8:28-29
The Lord works ALL things, the heartbreak, the frustration, the struggle, for good. He uses it all to conform us into the likeness of Christ. There is purpose in it all - our sanctification. God throws dogs and cats in the dryer together, Cinderella and Huck Finn in the submarine together, to grow us. God doesn't put us with the easiest tent mate, but the one who cause us the greatest growth, who will bring the greatest benefit to our life. As Eldrege put it, He lures us into relationship and then uses it to transform us. And what is true in story is true in life, it is conflict, trials, suffering that transforms us.
"We also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character hope. and that hope will never put us to shame."
Romans 5:3-4.
The beautiful allegory, Hinds Feet for High Places, tells the story of a woman named Muich Afraid who is invited by The Good Shepherd to journey to the High Places and receive a new name. He sends her two guides on her way named Sorrow and Suffering. Upon meeting her companions for the journey she is utterly dismayed. "You tell me that the mountain way itself is so steep and difficult that I cannot climb it alone. Then why, oh why must you make Sorrow and Suffering my companions?" But the Good Shepherd responds, "They are good teachers, indeed I have few better. Fear not, Much afraid, I promise that you shall not be put to shame. Go with Sorrow and Suffering and they will take you exactly where I want you to go."
Sorrow and suffering are indeed good teachers. The trials of our relationship led us up a steep and rocky road. But with every conflict, we grew.
"As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another."
Proverbs 27:17
I don't know if you're aware of what happens when iron meets iron, but sparks fly. I think about all of the conflicts Corey and I had (and have) and I tell you what - we had some epic sparks. It wasn't easy. At several points in our relationship we had to ask ourselves if it was really worth it. It we were really meant to be together. But standing on the other side of the fire, I see it far more clearly. We were sharpening one another. The vast amount of growth that has occurred in each one of us over the past 3 years is evidence enough that God knows exactly what he's doing. And though the happily ever after doesn't look like I excepted, it is there all the same. Richer and more significant than I could have ever hoped.
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Sunday, August 5, 2012
The Cost Part 2 - Resurrection
This grace is making me a theif
Nothing comes for free, still you rescue me
This grace, it cuts me like a knife
I bleed but don't run dry, its a mystery
~ The Passerine
I'm not a huge mythical creature nerd. I don't really know the difference between a hobbit and a dwarf or how dragons fly, but I've always loved the concept of the phoenix. Legend has it that as the fire bird nears the end of its life, it builds a nest of twigs and ignites it. The fire burns fiercely until both bird and nest are reduced to ashes, out of which the phoenix is reborn anew to live again. Stronger and more powerful than ever before…
There is something about death that purifies us, something about fire that makes us stronger. We are reborn, made new. It is the mystery of the gospel that we live out time and time again. The days following my surrender to the Lord, my all consuming fire, were a mix of emotions. But I knew that I had finally done what I had never been able to do before - to truly choose the Lord. I had laid my life on the altar. I lit a match. I died to my desires. And afterward, I found myself… free. I think we often hold so tightly to our own desires and plans that we trap ourselves. But I had finally let go.
12/10/08
"Lord I don't want to live in the zoo. Well maybe, on the surface I do - I want to be comfortable and happy and entertained and have my friends and my family and my money and my job and my church and my community. I want it - its comforting, its safe. its secure, but it would waste me. It would trap me. It would draw up my life and spend it. I want to live, truly live. And that is scary. It is risky. It is not comfortable. But it means freedom and true life, true joy, true satisfaction. Adventure. Beauty. God. Rather I'd be wasted, consumed, ravished, ruined and spent by you Lord, than to be wasted by comfort."
I went home for winter break. I shared my new plan with my family and friends and it all started to feel real. I was really going to do this. This was really going to happen. I was moving to Germany. And then a funny thing happened. My tire went flat. Well that wasn't funny - it was 20 below zero and I was on the side of the highway at ten o'clock at night. But for some reason I felt like I should give Corey a call. We chatted while I waited for my brother to come pick me up. I told him more about Germany and this crazy thing the Lord was doing. The next day, Corey called me. And we chatted more. We talked a few more times over break and when we got back to Memphis things were definitely different. He started inviting me to study with him, to go out for coffee, to go do laundry together. We would go for long drives - we must have put a ten thousand miles on the car in a matter of weeks And he would text me to say goodnight. This was different. This was confusing.
I remember saying to myself, "Ok the last you heard he's not interested, so he's just being friendly." "Lord, I choose you. I will not be distracted." However, as time went on it was hard to deny the change in Corey. Our conversations turned from casual to spiritual. He asked questions, he sought to know my heart and in turn, he shared his heart with me. He was pursuing me. Honorably. Carefully. Slowly. This all went on for over a month… Then finally, the Steelers won the Superbowl. You may not understand the significance of this event, but if the Steelers hadn't won, I don't know that we would be standing here today. You see, The Steelers are Corey's TEAM. And when they won it gave him just enough adrenaline to do a few chin ups and ask me if I'd like to join him at Waffle House (classy I know). Being a pretty private guy, he hadn't told anyone about his feelings for me. So before he left to pick me up, he asked his roommate Jon what advice he might give if he was interested in a certain girl on campus. Jon responded,
"Does her name start with H and end with ilary?"
"Maybe"
"Well if you have any doubts don't do it."
"Check"
"Well then I'd say go for it."
"Alright well like my cousin always said - Its time for me to put my brain on the shelf and get my balls."
We got to Waffle House late in the evening. It was fairly empty. Corey sat across the booth from me with a silly nervous grin and started by saying,
"Well I called this meeting to order… I summoned the individual (a reference to his old band Summon the Fleet)….. to discuss a certain matter that has been on my aorta, that being my heart (no joke - words straight out of his mouth) for some time…..regarding a conversation we had not too long ago about feelings of on intimate nature… Are you aware of the conversation to which I am referring?" He grabbed his napkin and started tearing the edges.
"Yeees…"
"Well I wanted to ask you…. if we were to have that same conversation tonight…..would you say anything different?"
"Would you?"
"Hey not fair I asked you first!"
I decided to throw him a bone.
"Ha, ok no I wouldn't say anything different… I am in the same -"
"Booth?"
"Ha yes - booth."
"Ok well to answer the question that you posed to me, if I would say anything different… the answer is… yes." Grinning.
"Ok… so what does that mean?"
"That means that I…. like you."
By this time Corey had torn his napkin into a million tiny pieces, but he finally got it out. He liked me. I needed to know why. I needed to know how his heart had changed… He told me after hearing about Germany and seeing my dedication to the Lord that he knew he needed a woman like me in his life. He told me my strength was inspiring…. and a little intimidating. He told me that he was blessed by our conversations, that he found himself able to talk to me about anything and that was really important to him. I was completely honored. He could have given any reason - that he started seeing me in a new light, that he discovered how funny or pretty or whatever I was, but instead he was pursuing me for my heart. Not only that, but my heart for the Lord. I told him that I was still committed to going to Germany. He wouldn't have it any other way. We decided to take a couple weeks to seek the Lord and see what he had for us.
Throughout the next two weeks we sought council, I talked to my mentor, Corey to his. We received a lot of support and encouragement. We felt peace about starting a relationship, but there was Germany hanging over our heads. It would be a daunting task to start a relationship long distance… not to mention overseas distance. Then one day I received another email from Ken.
Hi Hilary,
Just wanted to let you know that the Germany team has decided to take another year to prepare for the school. They may still be interested in the future, but not this year. Hope this isn't a disappointment.
Ken
There it was. As quickly as Germany came into my world and turned it upside down, it was gone. And there was our green light. It felt unreal. It was too good to be true.
2/10/09
Oh Lord you are faithful! Oh Lord you a good. Your timing is perfect. You have given me such a beautiful gift - A story I am proud to tell - Of hearing your promise, trusting you, waiting on you, submitting and sacrificing, dying to it all and being made new. Oh beauty and glory and praise.
I was reminded of the story of Abraham and Isaac. The Lord had made a covenant with Abraham telling him that he would be "the father of many nations," that his descendent would be a numerous as the grains of sand. His wife, Sarah, however was barren and Abraham was 100 years old. It was laughable that the two would have any descendants, let alone "many nations." Yet the Lord had promised and at the age of 90, Sarah gave birth to her first son, Isaac. Isaac was the fulfillment of God's promise and Abraham treasured him. But one day…
God said, “Take your son , your only son, whom you love—Isaac—and go to the region of Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on a mountain I will show you. ”
Genesis 22: 2
Abraham did as he was instructed. He took his son, his promise, his treasure and led him to the mountains, built an altar and laid his son on the altar. As he reach out his hand and took his knife to slay his son, an angel appeared.
“Abraham! Abraham!”
“Here I am,” he replied.
“Do not lay a hand on the boy,” he said. “Do not do anything to him. Now I know that you fear God, because you have not withheld from me your son, your only son. ”
Abraham looked up and there in a thicket he saw a ram[a] caught by its horns. He went over and took the ram and sacrificed it as a burnt offering instead of his son.
Genesis 22: 9-13
The Lord tested Abraham, with the thing that held most dear, his son. He was so devoted to the Lord, trusted Him so completely, that he was willing to give up his son, his beloved. Seeing this, the Lord provided a way out. I believe the Lord needed to test me. To put me through the fire. To see where I had place my devotion, my delight. I was willing to lay my life on the altar, my desires, our relationship. And then… in his grace and goodness - he provided a way out. And he fulfilled his promise. Gave me the desire of my heart. I couldn't have dreamed a more beautiful story. Life out of death. Resurrection.
For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it.
Mathew 16:25
Nothing comes for free, still you rescue me
This grace, it cuts me like a knife
I bleed but don't run dry, its a mystery
~ The Passerine
I'm not a huge mythical creature nerd. I don't really know the difference between a hobbit and a dwarf or how dragons fly, but I've always loved the concept of the phoenix. Legend has it that as the fire bird nears the end of its life, it builds a nest of twigs and ignites it. The fire burns fiercely until both bird and nest are reduced to ashes, out of which the phoenix is reborn anew to live again. Stronger and more powerful than ever before…
There is something about death that purifies us, something about fire that makes us stronger. We are reborn, made new. It is the mystery of the gospel that we live out time and time again. The days following my surrender to the Lord, my all consuming fire, were a mix of emotions. But I knew that I had finally done what I had never been able to do before - to truly choose the Lord. I had laid my life on the altar. I lit a match. I died to my desires. And afterward, I found myself… free. I think we often hold so tightly to our own desires and plans that we trap ourselves. But I had finally let go.
12/10/08
"Lord I don't want to live in the zoo. Well maybe, on the surface I do - I want to be comfortable and happy and entertained and have my friends and my family and my money and my job and my church and my community. I want it - its comforting, its safe. its secure, but it would waste me. It would trap me. It would draw up my life and spend it. I want to live, truly live. And that is scary. It is risky. It is not comfortable. But it means freedom and true life, true joy, true satisfaction. Adventure. Beauty. God. Rather I'd be wasted, consumed, ravished, ruined and spent by you Lord, than to be wasted by comfort."
I went home for winter break. I shared my new plan with my family and friends and it all started to feel real. I was really going to do this. This was really going to happen. I was moving to Germany. And then a funny thing happened. My tire went flat. Well that wasn't funny - it was 20 below zero and I was on the side of the highway at ten o'clock at night. But for some reason I felt like I should give Corey a call. We chatted while I waited for my brother to come pick me up. I told him more about Germany and this crazy thing the Lord was doing. The next day, Corey called me. And we chatted more. We talked a few more times over break and when we got back to Memphis things were definitely different. He started inviting me to study with him, to go out for coffee, to go do laundry together. We would go for long drives - we must have put a ten thousand miles on the car in a matter of weeks And he would text me to say goodnight. This was different. This was confusing.
I remember saying to myself, "Ok the last you heard he's not interested, so he's just being friendly." "Lord, I choose you. I will not be distracted." However, as time went on it was hard to deny the change in Corey. Our conversations turned from casual to spiritual. He asked questions, he sought to know my heart and in turn, he shared his heart with me. He was pursuing me. Honorably. Carefully. Slowly. This all went on for over a month… Then finally, the Steelers won the Superbowl. You may not understand the significance of this event, but if the Steelers hadn't won, I don't know that we would be standing here today. You see, The Steelers are Corey's TEAM. And when they won it gave him just enough adrenaline to do a few chin ups and ask me if I'd like to join him at Waffle House (classy I know). Being a pretty private guy, he hadn't told anyone about his feelings for me. So before he left to pick me up, he asked his roommate Jon what advice he might give if he was interested in a certain girl on campus. Jon responded,
"Does her name start with H and end with ilary?"
"Maybe"
"Well if you have any doubts don't do it."
"Check"
"Well then I'd say go for it."
"Alright well like my cousin always said - Its time for me to put my brain on the shelf and get my balls."
We got to Waffle House late in the evening. It was fairly empty. Corey sat across the booth from me with a silly nervous grin and started by saying,
"Well I called this meeting to order… I summoned the individual (a reference to his old band Summon the Fleet)….. to discuss a certain matter that has been on my aorta, that being my heart (no joke - words straight out of his mouth) for some time…..regarding a conversation we had not too long ago about feelings of on intimate nature… Are you aware of the conversation to which I am referring?" He grabbed his napkin and started tearing the edges.
"Yeees…"
"Well I wanted to ask you…. if we were to have that same conversation tonight…..would you say anything different?"
"Would you?"
"Hey not fair I asked you first!"
I decided to throw him a bone.
"Ha, ok no I wouldn't say anything different… I am in the same -"
"Booth?"
"Ha yes - booth."
"Ok well to answer the question that you posed to me, if I would say anything different… the answer is… yes." Grinning.
"Ok… so what does that mean?"
"That means that I…. like you."
By this time Corey had torn his napkin into a million tiny pieces, but he finally got it out. He liked me. I needed to know why. I needed to know how his heart had changed… He told me after hearing about Germany and seeing my dedication to the Lord that he knew he needed a woman like me in his life. He told me my strength was inspiring…. and a little intimidating. He told me that he was blessed by our conversations, that he found himself able to talk to me about anything and that was really important to him. I was completely honored. He could have given any reason - that he started seeing me in a new light, that he discovered how funny or pretty or whatever I was, but instead he was pursuing me for my heart. Not only that, but my heart for the Lord. I told him that I was still committed to going to Germany. He wouldn't have it any other way. We decided to take a couple weeks to seek the Lord and see what he had for us.
Throughout the next two weeks we sought council, I talked to my mentor, Corey to his. We received a lot of support and encouragement. We felt peace about starting a relationship, but there was Germany hanging over our heads. It would be a daunting task to start a relationship long distance… not to mention overseas distance. Then one day I received another email from Ken.
Hi Hilary,
Just wanted to let you know that the Germany team has decided to take another year to prepare for the school. They may still be interested in the future, but not this year. Hope this isn't a disappointment.
Ken
There it was. As quickly as Germany came into my world and turned it upside down, it was gone. And there was our green light. It felt unreal. It was too good to be true.
2/10/09
Oh Lord you are faithful! Oh Lord you a good. Your timing is perfect. You have given me such a beautiful gift - A story I am proud to tell - Of hearing your promise, trusting you, waiting on you, submitting and sacrificing, dying to it all and being made new. Oh beauty and glory and praise.
I was reminded of the story of Abraham and Isaac. The Lord had made a covenant with Abraham telling him that he would be "the father of many nations," that his descendent would be a numerous as the grains of sand. His wife, Sarah, however was barren and Abraham was 100 years old. It was laughable that the two would have any descendants, let alone "many nations." Yet the Lord had promised and at the age of 90, Sarah gave birth to her first son, Isaac. Isaac was the fulfillment of God's promise and Abraham treasured him. But one day…
God said, “Take your son , your only son, whom you love—Isaac—and go to the region of Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on a mountain I will show you. ”
Genesis 22: 2
Abraham did as he was instructed. He took his son, his promise, his treasure and led him to the mountains, built an altar and laid his son on the altar. As he reach out his hand and took his knife to slay his son, an angel appeared.
“Abraham! Abraham!”
“Here I am,” he replied.
“Do not lay a hand on the boy,” he said. “Do not do anything to him. Now I know that you fear God, because you have not withheld from me your son, your only son. ”
Abraham looked up and there in a thicket he saw a ram[a] caught by its horns. He went over and took the ram and sacrificed it as a burnt offering instead of his son.
Genesis 22: 9-13
The Lord tested Abraham, with the thing that held most dear, his son. He was so devoted to the Lord, trusted Him so completely, that he was willing to give up his son, his beloved. Seeing this, the Lord provided a way out. I believe the Lord needed to test me. To put me through the fire. To see where I had place my devotion, my delight. I was willing to lay my life on the altar, my desires, our relationship. And then… in his grace and goodness - he provided a way out. And he fulfilled his promise. Gave me the desire of my heart. I couldn't have dreamed a more beautiful story. Life out of death. Resurrection.
For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it.
Mathew 16:25
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