Fairytale Lost

The mountain pass is long
narrow, crooked, cold
and sorrow seems a strange guide
to send me on my way
but thats the way you save me
-The Passerine

Happily ever after.  I consider myself to be a pretty grounded person.  Fairly realistic.  But somehow, somewhere in the back of my mind I believed in happily ever after.  Perhaps I read one too many fairy tales growing up.  All the prince had to do was find his princess, and then they would live happily ever after.  When Corey and I started our relationship I truly thought we were living in the happily ever after.  Our first date happened to fall on Valentine's Day.  (I know, right?).  We went out for dinner and were seated at the prime spot in the restaurant, a half circle booth that sat up high and gave an overlook of the entire restaurant.   We were absolutely giddy, on a high like no other, completely enamored with one another.  We watched the couples seated all around, some chatting sweetly, some laughing and gazing into each other's eyes.  There was one couple, though, that was sitting in silence, their eyes planted on the floor.  They wouldn't look at each other.  The woman said something, the man shrugged his shoulders.  Their food came.  They ate without speaking.  We couldn't believe our eyes.  How could a couple ever get to that point?  We would never be like that!  We had something so much better…. Oh young love….  I remember gushing to my roommate one afternoon about how God had brought us together in the most beautiful way and how amazing and wonderful everything was.  Suzy, who had been dating her man for over a year just smiled and said "You're in a great season right now, Hil, enjoy it."  If only I had an inkling of what she was talking about, I might have done more to take it all in. 

Our happily ever after lasted about a month.  I distinctly remember our first fight.  Corey actually remembers the exact dress I was wearing and cringes every time I put it on.  We were enjoying a walk around the lake and had settled at a picnic table to do some devotions together when he said it.  I don't even know why and how it came up but he said, "Lighten up Hil, have a little fun."  Game over.  I promptly got up and started marching to the car.  Corey had no idea what was going on.  He had never seen me like this.  The words were simple, and truly meant no harm, but they struck a chord that ran deep.  A feeling that had haunted me all my life.  That I wasn't any fun.  That people didn't like me.  That I was not lovable.  One of those wounds from childhood that have a way of surfacing at the most unexpected times.  And that's the trick of it.  We all have land mines hidden in our hearts.  Without warning you'll find yourself in a cloud of fire and smoke wondering what just happened. 

We hit one of Corey's a few weeks later on a trip back to his home in Maryland.  We had anticipated a lovely, relaxing vacation.  Having been brought together in such a beautiful way there was a great amount of pressure for perfection in our relationship.  Both of us had made mistakes in our previous relationships and we wanted this one to be perfect.  All we had to do was not mess it up.  One carefree night, unbeknownst to us, we stumbled into treacherous land.  We said I love you.  But the moment was all wrong.  It wasn't special enough.  It didn't hold the depth that it ought to.  It wasn't how we wanted our story to go.  The pressure for perfection was too great.  Corey withdrew.  The force of it was as felt strong as dynamite.  He seemed a stranger.  It left me asking who was this person standing before me and where did my boyfriend go?  A lonely place to be when you're 1,000 miles from anyone you know...

We realized we didn't know each other near as well and we thought.  As we discovered more about each other, our list of differences grew at an exponential rate.   And their implications seemed overwhelming.  I was a planner, Corey liked to fly by the seat of his pants.  (So I seemed controlling and Corey seemed irresponsible.) I desired to have heartfelt conversations, Corey wanted someone to goof off with.   (But I never felt like I was any fun and Corey never felt that he had any spiritual depth to offer.) Our weaknesses played off one another in the most devastating ways.  I got overwhelmed in large groups, Corey was a social butterfly.  I spoke openly, Corey was a closed book.  The list went on and on.  It seemed impossible for this relationship to work.  How could two people with such different needs, desires, strengths and weaknesses every work together.  We were too different.  It was a disaster.  How could this be and why would God bring us together if it was going to be so hard?

John Eldrige spoke on this in his book Love and War.  He brings up the phrase that veterans of dangerous expeditions unanimously urge, "Choose your tent mate carefully."   The saying implies that you ought to choose someone you are utterly compatible with because after weeks on end in close quarters, every small difference will drive you crazy.  That's not how God works though…

"God does the opposite - he puts us with our opposite.  Our mutual brokenness plays off each other so perfectly that is its frightening.  It's like throwing a dog and a cat in a dryer… like throwing Cinderella and Huck Finn into a submarine and closing the hatch"

Here I was, Cinderella, arms crossed, sitting beside Huck Finn floating somewhere in the ocean, wondering why… wondering why we had gotten into this mess and how we would ever make it out alive.  I was reminded of my creative writing course in college.  Our very first lesson was on conflict.  My professor insisted that without conflict, there is no story.  I could tell you about the most beautiful day, the sun shining, birds singing, not a cloud in the sky.  We go for a picnic, set out our blanket underneath the shade of a perfect oak tree.  Have a delicious meal, a nice conversation and go home.  Nothing about that chain of events would be compelling.  But if I told you we had gone for a picnic… The boy desperately wanted to impress me….  Nervously opening the tupperware, he flung the pasta salad into the air, landing it on my head, as rain began to pour down… you would would have yourself a story.  We all have a picture in our minds of a perfect life.  Life exactly how it was "meant" to be.  Easy, happy without conflict.  We strive for that perfection in our lives.  But we need conflict.  Conflict creates story.  And God is the ultimate author.  He knows all the elements of a good story and has a penchant for creating the most compelling character arch.  The writer of a good novel knows that he must put his characters under pressure.  That his characters much experience some pain for the purpose of his ultimate growth. 

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son." 
Romans 8:28-29

The Lord works ALL things, the heartbreak, the frustration, the struggle, for good.  He uses it all to conform us into the likeness of Christ.  There is purpose in it all - our sanctification.  God throws dogs and cats in the dryer together, Cinderella and Huck Finn in the submarine together, to grow us.  God doesn't put us with the easiest tent mate, but the one who cause us the greatest growth, who will bring the greatest benefit to our life.  As Eldrege put it, He lures us into relationship and then uses it to transform us.  And what is true in story is true in life, it is conflict, trials, suffering that transforms us.

"We also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character hope. and that hope will never put us to shame." 
Romans 5:3-4. 

The beautiful allegory, Hinds Feet for High Places, tells the story of a woman named Muich Afraid who is invited by The Good Shepherd to journey to the High Places and receive a new name.  He sends her two guides on her way named Sorrow and Suffering.  Upon meeting her companions for the journey she is utterly dismayed.  "You tell me that the mountain way itself is so steep and difficult that I cannot climb it alone. Then why, oh why must you make Sorrow and Suffering my companions?"  But the Good Shepherd  responds, "They are good teachers, indeed I have few better.  Fear not, Much afraid, I promise that you shall not be put to shame. Go with Sorrow and Suffering and they will take you exactly where I want you to go."

Sorrow and suffering are indeed good teachers.  The trials of our relationship led us up a steep and rocky road.  But with every conflict, we grew.

 "As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another."
Proverbs 27:17 

 I don't know if you're aware of what happens when iron meets iron, but sparks fly.  I think about all of the conflicts Corey and I had (and have) and I tell you what - we had some epic sparks.  It wasn't easy.  At several points in our relationship we had to ask ourselves if it was really worth it.  It we were really meant to be together. But standing on the other side of the fire, I see it far more clearly.  We were sharpening one another.  The vast amount of growth that has occurred in each one of us over the past 3 years is evidence enough that God knows exactly what he's doing.  And though the happily ever after doesn't look like I excepted, it is there all the same.  Richer and more significant than I could have ever hoped.