This grace is making me a theif
Nothing comes for free, still you rescue me
This grace, it cuts me like a knife
I bleed but don't run dry, its a mystery
~ The Passerine
I'm not a huge mythical creature nerd. I don't really know the difference between a hobbit and a dwarf or how dragons fly, but I've always loved the concept of the phoenix. Legend has it that as the fire bird nears the end of its life, it builds a nest of twigs and ignites it. The fire burns fiercely until both bird and nest are reduced to ashes, out of which the phoenix is reborn anew to live again. Stronger and more powerful than ever before…
There is something about death that purifies us, something about fire that makes us stronger. We are reborn, made new. It is the mystery of the gospel that we live out time and time again. The days following my surrender to the Lord, my all consuming fire, were a mix of emotions. But I knew that I had finally done what I had never been able to do before - to truly choose the Lord. I had laid my life on the altar. I lit a match. I died to my desires. And afterward, I found myself… free. I think we often hold so tightly to our own desires and plans that we trap ourselves. But I had finally let go.
12/10/08
"Lord I don't want to live in the zoo. Well maybe, on the surface I do - I want to be comfortable and happy and entertained and have my friends and my family and my money and my job and my church and my community. I want it - its comforting, its safe. its secure, but it would waste me. It would trap me. It would draw up my life and spend it. I want to live, truly live. And that is scary. It is risky. It is not comfortable. But it means freedom and true life, true joy, true satisfaction. Adventure. Beauty. God. Rather I'd be wasted, consumed, ravished, ruined and spent by you Lord, than to be wasted by comfort."
I went home for winter break. I shared my new plan with my family and friends and it all started to feel real. I was really going to do this. This was really going to happen. I was moving to Germany. And then a funny thing happened. My tire went flat. Well that wasn't funny - it was 20 below zero and I was on the side of the highway at ten o'clock at night. But for some reason I felt like I should give Corey a call. We chatted while I waited for my brother to come pick me up. I told him more about Germany and this crazy thing the Lord was doing. The next day, Corey called me. And we chatted more. We talked a few more times over break and when we got back to Memphis things were definitely different. He started inviting me to study with him, to go out for coffee, to go do laundry together. We would go for long drives - we must have put a ten thousand miles on the car in a matter of weeks And he would text me to say goodnight. This was different. This was confusing.
I remember saying to myself, "Ok the last you heard he's not interested, so he's just being friendly." "Lord, I choose you. I will not be distracted." However, as time went on it was hard to deny the change in Corey. Our conversations turned from casual to spiritual. He asked questions, he sought to know my heart and in turn, he shared his heart with me. He was pursuing me. Honorably. Carefully. Slowly. This all went on for over a month… Then finally, the Steelers won the Superbowl. You may not understand the significance of this event, but if the Steelers hadn't won, I don't know that we would be standing here today. You see, The Steelers are Corey's TEAM. And when they won it gave him just enough adrenaline to do a few chin ups and ask me if I'd like to join him at Waffle House (classy I know). Being a pretty private guy, he hadn't told anyone about his feelings for me. So before he left to pick me up, he asked his roommate Jon what advice he might give if he was interested in a certain girl on campus. Jon responded,
"Does her name start with H and end with ilary?"
"Maybe"
"Well if you have any doubts don't do it."
"Check"
"Well then I'd say go for it."
"Alright well like my cousin always said - Its time for me to put my brain on the shelf and get my balls."
We got to Waffle House late in the evening. It was fairly empty. Corey sat across the booth from me with a silly nervous grin and started by saying,
"Well I called this meeting to order… I summoned the individual (a reference to his old band Summon the Fleet)….. to discuss a certain matter that has been on my aorta, that being my heart (no joke - words straight out of his mouth) for some time…..regarding a conversation we had not too long ago about feelings of on intimate nature… Are you aware of the conversation to which I am referring?" He grabbed his napkin and started tearing the edges.
"Yeees…"
"Well I wanted to ask you…. if we were to have that same conversation tonight…..would you say anything different?"
"Would you?"
"Hey not fair I asked you first!"
I decided to throw him a bone.
"Ha, ok no I wouldn't say anything different… I am in the same -"
"Booth?"
"Ha yes - booth."
"Ok well to answer the question that you posed to me, if I would say anything different… the answer is… yes." Grinning.
"Ok… so what does that mean?"
"That means that I…. like you."
By this time Corey had torn his napkin into a million tiny pieces, but he finally got it out. He liked me. I needed to know why. I needed to know how his heart had changed… He told me after hearing about Germany and seeing my dedication to the Lord that he knew he needed a woman like me in his life. He told me my strength was inspiring…. and a little intimidating. He told me that he was blessed by our conversations, that he found himself able to talk to me about anything and that was really important to him. I was completely honored. He could have given any reason - that he started seeing me in a new light, that he discovered how funny or pretty or whatever I was, but instead he was pursuing me for my heart. Not only that, but my heart for the Lord. I told him that I was still committed to going to Germany. He wouldn't have it any other way. We decided to take a couple weeks to seek the Lord and see what he had for us.
Throughout the next two weeks we sought council, I talked to my mentor, Corey to his. We received a lot of support and encouragement. We felt peace about starting a relationship, but there was Germany hanging over our heads. It would be a daunting task to start a relationship long distance… not to mention overseas distance. Then one day I received another email from Ken.
Hi Hilary,
Just wanted to let you know that the Germany team has decided to take another year to prepare for the school. They may still be interested in the future, but not this year. Hope this isn't a disappointment.
Ken
There it was. As quickly as Germany came into my world and turned it upside down, it was gone. And there was our green light. It felt unreal. It was too good to be true.
2/10/09
Oh Lord you are faithful! Oh Lord you a good. Your timing is perfect. You have given me such a beautiful gift - A story I am proud to tell - Of hearing your promise, trusting you, waiting on you, submitting and sacrificing, dying to it all and being made new. Oh beauty and glory and praise.
I was reminded of the story of Abraham and Isaac. The Lord had made a covenant with Abraham telling him that he would be "the father of many nations," that his descendent would be a numerous as the grains of sand. His wife, Sarah, however was barren and Abraham was 100 years old. It was laughable that the two would have any descendants, let alone "many nations." Yet the Lord had promised and at the age of 90, Sarah gave birth to her first son, Isaac. Isaac was the fulfillment of God's promise and Abraham treasured him. But one day…
God said, “Take your son , your only son, whom you love—Isaac—and go to the region of Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on a mountain I will show you. ”
Genesis 22: 2
Abraham did as he was instructed. He took his son, his promise, his treasure and led him to the mountains, built an altar and laid his son on the altar. As he reach out his hand and took his knife to slay his son, an angel appeared.
“Abraham! Abraham!”
“Here I am,” he replied.
“Do not lay a hand on the boy,” he said. “Do not do anything to him. Now I know that you fear God, because you have not withheld from me your son, your only son. ”
Abraham looked up and there in a thicket he saw a ram[a] caught by its horns. He went over and took the ram and sacrificed it as a burnt offering instead of his son.
Genesis 22: 9-13
The Lord tested Abraham, with the thing that held most dear, his son. He was so devoted to the Lord, trusted Him so completely, that he was willing to give up his son, his beloved. Seeing this, the Lord provided a way out. I believe the Lord needed to test me. To put me through the fire. To see where I had place my devotion, my delight. I was willing to lay my life on the altar, my desires, our relationship. And then… in his grace and goodness - he provided a way out. And he fulfilled his promise. Gave me the desire of my heart. I couldn't have dreamed a more beautiful story. Life out of death. Resurrection.
For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it.
Mathew 16:25
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