I’ve learned to hate my mother
I’ve learned to hate my father
I’ve learned to hate all the kin that I have known
I’ve learned to hate my brother
I’ve learned to hate my lover
I’ve learned to hate all the friends I call my own
I’ve learned to hate my efforts
I’ve learned to hate my treasures
I’ve learned to hate all the seeds that I have sown
I’ve learned to hate the easy out
I’ve learned to hate my comfort
I’ve learned to hate the safety that I take hold
I heard Him ask of me
Do you love me more than these
I’ve learned to hate my own desires
I’ve learned to hate my fear of the fire
I’ve learned to hate all the rights that I have claimed
I heard Him ask of me
Do you love me more than these
- The Passerine
Fire is a powerful force. A force that can melt the strongest of metals, transform sand into glass and bring great forests to dust in moments. It is a force to be reckoned with for sure. Its greatest power, however, is not so flashy. I believe fire's most valuable gift works on a much smaller scale. Imperceptible to the eye. Purification. Refinement. Gold is only refined by fire. Our God is an all consuming fire, with power to part the seas and crumble mountains. But His greatest work, is imperceptible to the eye. Our hearts are only refined by fire. All consuming fire.
I remember my time of waiting as whirlwind of emotion. I tried desperately to keep my heart in check, not to rush ahead of God's timing, not to hold too tightly to His promise. Holding it with an open hand. Trying not to worry about my Joseph. I wasn't always great at it. At times I found my thoughts consumed by that boy. I often wanted to take control. But I was determine to allow him to pursue me. And I was determined to" dwell in the land that I was in and befriend faithfulness." Faithfulness indeed took an interesting turn one December afternoon when I received an email from the president of my college. He wanted to meet with me about an opportunity. It turned out the college wanted to open a satellite location in Germany where I had served a few months prior as the Songwriting instructor for their summer music camp. They wanted me to head up the songwriting department. In Germany. In 6 months.
I was a little dumbfounded. "What do you think?" Ken asked with a big grin on his face. I was flattered. I was shocked. I was scared out of my mind. I told him I needed some time to think about it. To be honest I knew exactly what I thought about it. No way! I mean don't get me wrong, I loved Germany and all but not enough to move my life there! Leave my family? My friends? My church? My community? My language?! And not to mention this man that has been brought into my life! What about that promise Lord? I was totally freaked out. I needed to process this. I needed to fast and pray. Throughout my fast the scriptures I read had a common theme…
"If any would come after me he must deny himself and take up his cross daily. For whoever wants to save his life will loose it but whoever looses his life for my sake will save it."
Luke 9:23
"Since then you have been raised with Christ, set your heart on things above, where Christ is seated. For you died and your life is now hidden in Christ. When Christ who is your life appears then you also will appear in glory."
Collisions 3:1
"If anyone comes to Me, and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be My disciple.
Luke 14:26
"My peace I bring to you. My peace I leave with you. I do not give as the world gives. Do not be afraid and do not let your hearts be troubled."
John 14:27
Oh death. How we run from it. How we fight it. Death to ourselves, death to our desires, death to our plan for our lives. Somehow death is what we truly need. Death will bring us life.. It seems impossible. It is the great mystery and beauty of the gospel. In our finite understanding we believe our desires will bring us life. We don't realize how small our desires are. The Lord has much greater things for us than we could ever dream, if we would just surrender. If we would just die to ourselves. C.S. Lewis put is this way:
"If we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak.We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered to us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased."
I didn't want to be too easily pleased. I didn't want to settle for less than what God had in store. But I also didn't want to leave. My flesh was waring against my spirit. I needed to talk to someone. My friend Jan had moved to the US from the Czech Republic. I thought he might have some insight to offer, so I asked him how he made his decision to move here. He told me that he didn't want to live in the zoo. In the zoo you have all your needs taken care of. You have your food and your water and your shelter. You're comfortable. You're safe. But you're living in a cage. In the jungle it might be scary, there are predators roaming around. You have to fight for your food. But you're free. You're free to live as you were meant to live. You're free to have life. True life.
It appeared the Lord was calling me to the jungle, to a holiday at the sea. To something far greater that I had imagined for myself. But I had to die. I had to die to myself, to my plans, to my desires. The Lord was asking, do you love me? You say that I am your one true love, you say that you aren't going to chase after other loves. Gomer, do you love me? Do you love me more than you family and your friend and you church and community? Do you love me more than that boy? Do you love me more than your desires? Do you love me. And do you trust me? You say that you are ready to relinquish control, daughter of Eve. Do you trust me? To handle your desires? Lady in waiting, are you willing to wait? Wait on me? Not on on relationship, but on me?
All consuming fire. It was time to die.
Interestingly, the day I made my decision to move to Germany, Corey asked me to go out for coffee. He wanted to hear about my move to Germany. We had a great conversation and on the way home he brought up "our situation." He was aware that people were talking about us, like we were going to be the next big couple. He hated gossip, he wanted to clear the air. I knew I needed to tell him the truth.
"Well Corey, its not all gossip. I do have feelings for you. I didn't really see it coming. I thought if I put the feelings on the shelf for a little while they would might go way, but they didn't. I don't expect anything from you, but I thought I should be honest with you."
"Ok well I won't be weird."
"So I take that to mean you don't feel the same way?"
"Not that I'm aware of…"
All consuming fire.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Lady in Waiting
Love is a burning thing
It makes a fiery ring
Bound by wild desire
I fell into a ring of fire
- June Carter
I love Tennessee in the fall. The cool crisp mornings Crystal clear skies. Warm sunshine. Soft breeze whispering through the trees. After the sweltering heat of the Mid-south summer, the autumn air is absolutely magical. There is something nostalgic about it for me, it reminds me of Minnesota, it brings me home. One beautiful fall morning I decided to go for a walk. It was November 1st, the day after Halloween and the neighborhood was still. Perhaps everyone was recovering from the sugar overload of the previous evening. I set out with the intent to spend some time with the Lord. I had become increasingly more aware of my new found feelings for Corey. As I observed him I began to notice things about him I never had before. He was well respected on campus. No longer known just for his crazy antics, Corey had grown into a leader among the men. I'm not sure he entirely realized it though, because he carried himself with such ease. He was passionate, praying for his brothers in Christ, ministering to youth through is band. I saw the Lord in him. People loved him. I admired him. And I had no idea what to do with it. In the past I was known to chase after romance. Never once trusting the Lord with my relationships, I would try to take control. In true daughter of Eve fashion, I would scheme and plot and throw myself at love. But I was committed to do this right. I didn't want to pursue love, I wanted to be pursued - in an honorable way - by an honorable man. A friend had given me a Psalm to read, thinking it would be an encouragement in my current situation. I knew I needed to pray through it. So I set off, bible in hand glad for a peaceful morning to spend with the Lord. I set out for the lake.
"Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness. Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust Him and he will act. Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him… For the meek shall inherit the promised land and have abundant peace."
Psalm 37; 3-11
Trust in the Lord. I was doing a good job of that. No more control. Not leaning on my own understanding. Allowing the Lord to work and move in my life. Check.
Dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness. Yes Lord! I commit myself to fully dwell in the here and now - this place, this moment. Not yearning for tomorrow or yesterday. Being faithful to what you've called me to as a single woman. Check.
Delight yourself in the Lord. Yes Lord you are my one true love. I will no longer chase after other loves I know they will not satisfy. Only you will satisfy.
And He will give you the desires of your heart. Wait What? I stopped dead in my tracks.
And He will give you the desires of your heart. Did I really believe that? I mean really? I know how this works, God…. Once we delight in You, then our desires will line up with yours. We no longer desire anything else because you are the desire of our heart. Very tricky. Right?
Silence. And just as I was about to move on to the next verse, I almost fell flat on my face. I had tripped over a pot hole in the road. The pot hole was in the shape of a heart. Ha. Ok Lord you have my attention. I could read no further. I knew God wanted to speak to me on this issue.
Truth be told, I wasn't so sure that the Lord wanted to give me the desires of my heart. Yes He is a loving God, but He is also mighty and jealous. I have to say I was a little intimidated by His jealously. Sometimes I felt that it was His goal to quench my spirit; as though He would rather take away all the things that give me joy, so that my joy would only be in Him. After all, he had walled me in, blocked my path so that I would not run to romance for my fix. I knew romance was a desire of my heart, but maybe he didn't want romance for me at all. He was supposed to be more than enough for me anyhow, right? So why should I need a husband if God is my bridegroom? Surely he wants me all to himself right?
I continued walking and came across a snickers bar, discarded by some costume clad kid the night before. My stomach groaned. I had forgotten to eat breakfast before my walk. Boy did that candy bar look good! I bent down to pick it up only to find that it was smashed flat - ran over by a car. Well, it could still be good… Then I saw the tear in the wrapper. Well that's just not sanitary. I left it behind and continued walking.
I started to recall my previous relationships. Even though I could see that they weren't right - they weren't healthy - I went ahead with them anyway. Like a child stopping to eat a damaged, dirty candy bar. But I was changed. I was done dating men who weren't worth my time. I wasn't chasing after love like that anymore. I'm waiting on you Lord. I'm not going to waste my heart and affections. I'm waiting for a worthy man. I'd like to think that Corey is worthy.... but I'm waiting on you Lord.
I continued walking and came upon another candy bar, a 100 Grand to be exact. It was perfect, not smashed, no tears in the wrapper - perfectly good to be eaten. Yes! I could totally eat this one! At this point my stomach was churning. I was so hungry! Just as I was about to take the plunge and partake I remembered that when I eat sweets before breakfast I get gut rot. I really should wait to get some real food in me before I eat any candy…. I held on to the candy bar, but didn't eat it.
The Lord then began to speak. You see Hilary, that's what I want for you. I'm happy to give you the candy bar. And not just any candy bar but a good candy bar. A 100 Grand bar. Perfect and delicious. I just want you to have some sustenance first… like a parent who wants their child to eat a good dinner before dessert. I pictured a child eating an ice cream cone… Its hard not to smile seeing them gleefully devouring the treat… dripping - literally - with delight. A parent delights in their child's delight!
So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him. Mattew 7:11.
I finally understood. The Lord takes joy in giving us the desires of our hearts. He finds joy in our joy. He takes delight in our delight. He desires to give good gifts to us. But first he wants us to come to him, to get our fill in him. If he gives us dessert first we won't have an appetite for dinner.
By this time I had reached the lake. I sat down at the dock and looked into the water. It was so clear I could see straight down to the bottom. I watched the sand swirl on the lake bed, moved gently by the water's ripples. I sat pondering what I had just heard from the Lord. Ok Lord, I hear you. I know you will alone will satisfy my soul. But will you really give me the desire of my heart. Will you really allow romance in my life? Will you really bring a husband to me? After the mess I've made in the past?
Suddenly something caught my eye. On the bottom of the lake, as though someone had taken their finger and drawn in the the sand, were two hearts linked together Finding it hard to believe my eyes I took a second look - this had to be my mind playing tricks on me. But sure enough, the hearts were still there, completely unmoved by the waters ripples. A sign. A symbol. A promise.
It was at that moment that I started to believe God's heart for me. That he knew my desires and delighted to give them to me. He desired to bring romance into my life. True, lovely, God honoring romance. It delighted him to do so. Other men had come across my path and were obviously not right for me, I gave my heart to them anyway. But here was Corey. My 100 Grand. A good man, worthy of my affections. The Lord was willing to give me the gift, but he was asking me to wait. To find my fill him Him. But how? And what do I do with my feelings for him in the meantime?
I found my answer as I began to study Mary, mother of Jesus. I think her story often gets missed in all the craziness of the Christmas story.
28The angel went to Mary and said, "Greetings, you who are highly favored! The Lord is with you….. Mary, you have found favor with God. 31You will be with child and give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus. 32He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High. The Lord God will give him the throne of his father David, 33and he will reign over the house of Jacob forever; his kingdom will never end."
34"How will this be," Mary asked the angel, "since I am a virgin?"
35The angel answered, "The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you. So the holy one to be born will be called[c] the Son of God. 36Even Elizabeth your relative is going to have a child in her old age, and she who was said to be barren is in her sixth month. 37For nothing is impossible with God."
38"I am the Lord's servant," Mary answered. "May it be to me as you have said." Then the angel left her.
Luke 1: 28 - 38
Now I'd like to highlight that this holy announcement would have been a lot to swallow. I think we often take her response for granted. Here she was a 16 year old girl, engaged to a good Jewish boy, planning her wedding with dreams for her future and now she's being told that she's not only going to have a child (miraculously and out of wedlock) but also that the child would be the son of God and Savior of the world. Remember this is happening at a very different time in history. Getting pregnant outside of marriage was a big deal - a disgrace and a sin worthy of stoning. And we're not talking pebbles here. Stoning could very well be a death sentence. Not to mention the fact that Joseph would know that the child was not his. Any self respecting Jewish man would want save his name and break off the engagement so as not to incriminate himself. Not only that, but he had every right to be standing with the first stone. She obviously had committed adultery against him, her betrothed. So I don’t know about you but I would have been asking some questions. Such as - Who's going to believe me? What if my parents throw me out on the street? What if I get stoned for this? And what am I supposed to say to Joseph?! What if he leaves me? How am I supposed to take care of a child on my own?! Instead she simply says, "I am the Lord's servant… May it be to me as you have said."
She didn't ask about the consequences. She didn't ask how it was all going to work out. She didn't scheme or plot or try to take control. She didn't worry about Joseph. She trusted the Lord. She believed him.
45 Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill his promises to her!” Luke 1:45
And here's the beautiful thing. ….
19 Because Joseph her husband was faithful to the law, and yet[e] did not want to expose her to public disgrace, he had in mind to divorce her quietly.20 But after he had considered this, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream and said, “Joseph son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary home as your wife, because what is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit. 21 She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus,[f] because he will save his people from their sins.”22 All this took place to fulfill what the Lord had said through the prophet: 23 “The virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel”[g] (which means “God with us”).24 When Joseph woke up, he did what the angel of the Lord had commanded him and took Mary home as his wife.
She didn't have to worry about Joseph. Even when all looked hopeless. Even after he resolved to break the engagement. The Lord intervened. She didn't have to worry about Joseph because the Lord took care of Joseph. The Lord spoke to him. All she had to do was wait. With an open hand. Holding on to what the Lord had given her and releasing what the Lord chose to take.
Here was my chance to trust the Lord. Trust his heart for me. Trust that he delights in my delight. Trust that he desires to give good gifts to his children. Trust that he would fulfill his promise to me. Trust that he would take care of my Joseph. Trust him with an open hand. Here was my chance to do it right. To wait upon him. To wait to be pursued. To dwell in the land land God had placed me and befriend faithfulness....
"Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness. Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust Him and he will act. Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him… For the meek shall inherit the promised land and have abundant peace."
Psalm 37; 3-11
It makes a fiery ring
Bound by wild desire
I fell into a ring of fire
- June Carter
I love Tennessee in the fall. The cool crisp mornings Crystal clear skies. Warm sunshine. Soft breeze whispering through the trees. After the sweltering heat of the Mid-south summer, the autumn air is absolutely magical. There is something nostalgic about it for me, it reminds me of Minnesota, it brings me home. One beautiful fall morning I decided to go for a walk. It was November 1st, the day after Halloween and the neighborhood was still. Perhaps everyone was recovering from the sugar overload of the previous evening. I set out with the intent to spend some time with the Lord. I had become increasingly more aware of my new found feelings for Corey. As I observed him I began to notice things about him I never had before. He was well respected on campus. No longer known just for his crazy antics, Corey had grown into a leader among the men. I'm not sure he entirely realized it though, because he carried himself with such ease. He was passionate, praying for his brothers in Christ, ministering to youth through is band. I saw the Lord in him. People loved him. I admired him. And I had no idea what to do with it. In the past I was known to chase after romance. Never once trusting the Lord with my relationships, I would try to take control. In true daughter of Eve fashion, I would scheme and plot and throw myself at love. But I was committed to do this right. I didn't want to pursue love, I wanted to be pursued - in an honorable way - by an honorable man. A friend had given me a Psalm to read, thinking it would be an encouragement in my current situation. I knew I needed to pray through it. So I set off, bible in hand glad for a peaceful morning to spend with the Lord. I set out for the lake.
"Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness. Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust Him and he will act. Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him… For the meek shall inherit the promised land and have abundant peace."
Psalm 37; 3-11
Trust in the Lord. I was doing a good job of that. No more control. Not leaning on my own understanding. Allowing the Lord to work and move in my life. Check.
Dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness. Yes Lord! I commit myself to fully dwell in the here and now - this place, this moment. Not yearning for tomorrow or yesterday. Being faithful to what you've called me to as a single woman. Check.
Delight yourself in the Lord. Yes Lord you are my one true love. I will no longer chase after other loves I know they will not satisfy. Only you will satisfy.
And He will give you the desires of your heart. Wait What? I stopped dead in my tracks.
And He will give you the desires of your heart. Did I really believe that? I mean really? I know how this works, God…. Once we delight in You, then our desires will line up with yours. We no longer desire anything else because you are the desire of our heart. Very tricky. Right?
Silence. And just as I was about to move on to the next verse, I almost fell flat on my face. I had tripped over a pot hole in the road. The pot hole was in the shape of a heart. Ha. Ok Lord you have my attention. I could read no further. I knew God wanted to speak to me on this issue.
Truth be told, I wasn't so sure that the Lord wanted to give me the desires of my heart. Yes He is a loving God, but He is also mighty and jealous. I have to say I was a little intimidated by His jealously. Sometimes I felt that it was His goal to quench my spirit; as though He would rather take away all the things that give me joy, so that my joy would only be in Him. After all, he had walled me in, blocked my path so that I would not run to romance for my fix. I knew romance was a desire of my heart, but maybe he didn't want romance for me at all. He was supposed to be more than enough for me anyhow, right? So why should I need a husband if God is my bridegroom? Surely he wants me all to himself right?
I continued walking and came across a snickers bar, discarded by some costume clad kid the night before. My stomach groaned. I had forgotten to eat breakfast before my walk. Boy did that candy bar look good! I bent down to pick it up only to find that it was smashed flat - ran over by a car. Well, it could still be good… Then I saw the tear in the wrapper. Well that's just not sanitary. I left it behind and continued walking.
I started to recall my previous relationships. Even though I could see that they weren't right - they weren't healthy - I went ahead with them anyway. Like a child stopping to eat a damaged, dirty candy bar. But I was changed. I was done dating men who weren't worth my time. I wasn't chasing after love like that anymore. I'm waiting on you Lord. I'm not going to waste my heart and affections. I'm waiting for a worthy man. I'd like to think that Corey is worthy.... but I'm waiting on you Lord.
I continued walking and came upon another candy bar, a 100 Grand to be exact. It was perfect, not smashed, no tears in the wrapper - perfectly good to be eaten. Yes! I could totally eat this one! At this point my stomach was churning. I was so hungry! Just as I was about to take the plunge and partake I remembered that when I eat sweets before breakfast I get gut rot. I really should wait to get some real food in me before I eat any candy…. I held on to the candy bar, but didn't eat it.
The Lord then began to speak. You see Hilary, that's what I want for you. I'm happy to give you the candy bar. And not just any candy bar but a good candy bar. A 100 Grand bar. Perfect and delicious. I just want you to have some sustenance first… like a parent who wants their child to eat a good dinner before dessert. I pictured a child eating an ice cream cone… Its hard not to smile seeing them gleefully devouring the treat… dripping - literally - with delight. A parent delights in their child's delight!
So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him. Mattew 7:11.
I finally understood. The Lord takes joy in giving us the desires of our hearts. He finds joy in our joy. He takes delight in our delight. He desires to give good gifts to us. But first he wants us to come to him, to get our fill in him. If he gives us dessert first we won't have an appetite for dinner.
By this time I had reached the lake. I sat down at the dock and looked into the water. It was so clear I could see straight down to the bottom. I watched the sand swirl on the lake bed, moved gently by the water's ripples. I sat pondering what I had just heard from the Lord. Ok Lord, I hear you. I know you will alone will satisfy my soul. But will you really give me the desire of my heart. Will you really allow romance in my life? Will you really bring a husband to me? After the mess I've made in the past?
Suddenly something caught my eye. On the bottom of the lake, as though someone had taken their finger and drawn in the the sand, were two hearts linked together Finding it hard to believe my eyes I took a second look - this had to be my mind playing tricks on me. But sure enough, the hearts were still there, completely unmoved by the waters ripples. A sign. A symbol. A promise.
It was at that moment that I started to believe God's heart for me. That he knew my desires and delighted to give them to me. He desired to bring romance into my life. True, lovely, God honoring romance. It delighted him to do so. Other men had come across my path and were obviously not right for me, I gave my heart to them anyway. But here was Corey. My 100 Grand. A good man, worthy of my affections. The Lord was willing to give me the gift, but he was asking me to wait. To find my fill him Him. But how? And what do I do with my feelings for him in the meantime?
I found my answer as I began to study Mary, mother of Jesus. I think her story often gets missed in all the craziness of the Christmas story.
28The angel went to Mary and said, "Greetings, you who are highly favored! The Lord is with you….. Mary, you have found favor with God. 31You will be with child and give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus. 32He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High. The Lord God will give him the throne of his father David, 33and he will reign over the house of Jacob forever; his kingdom will never end."
34"How will this be," Mary asked the angel, "since I am a virgin?"
35The angel answered, "The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you. So the holy one to be born will be called[c] the Son of God. 36Even Elizabeth your relative is going to have a child in her old age, and she who was said to be barren is in her sixth month. 37For nothing is impossible with God."
38"I am the Lord's servant," Mary answered. "May it be to me as you have said." Then the angel left her.
Luke 1: 28 - 38
Now I'd like to highlight that this holy announcement would have been a lot to swallow. I think we often take her response for granted. Here she was a 16 year old girl, engaged to a good Jewish boy, planning her wedding with dreams for her future and now she's being told that she's not only going to have a child (miraculously and out of wedlock) but also that the child would be the son of God and Savior of the world. Remember this is happening at a very different time in history. Getting pregnant outside of marriage was a big deal - a disgrace and a sin worthy of stoning. And we're not talking pebbles here. Stoning could very well be a death sentence. Not to mention the fact that Joseph would know that the child was not his. Any self respecting Jewish man would want save his name and break off the engagement so as not to incriminate himself. Not only that, but he had every right to be standing with the first stone. She obviously had committed adultery against him, her betrothed. So I don’t know about you but I would have been asking some questions. Such as - Who's going to believe me? What if my parents throw me out on the street? What if I get stoned for this? And what am I supposed to say to Joseph?! What if he leaves me? How am I supposed to take care of a child on my own?! Instead she simply says, "I am the Lord's servant… May it be to me as you have said."
She didn't ask about the consequences. She didn't ask how it was all going to work out. She didn't scheme or plot or try to take control. She didn't worry about Joseph. She trusted the Lord. She believed him.
45 Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill his promises to her!” Luke 1:45
And here's the beautiful thing. ….
19 Because Joseph her husband was faithful to the law, and yet[e] did not want to expose her to public disgrace, he had in mind to divorce her quietly.20 But after he had considered this, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream and said, “Joseph son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary home as your wife, because what is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit. 21 She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus,[f] because he will save his people from their sins.”22 All this took place to fulfill what the Lord had said through the prophet: 23 “The virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel”[g] (which means “God with us”).24 When Joseph woke up, he did what the angel of the Lord had commanded him and took Mary home as his wife.
She didn't have to worry about Joseph. Even when all looked hopeless. Even after he resolved to break the engagement. The Lord intervened. She didn't have to worry about Joseph because the Lord took care of Joseph. The Lord spoke to him. All she had to do was wait. With an open hand. Holding on to what the Lord had given her and releasing what the Lord chose to take.
Here was my chance to trust the Lord. Trust his heart for me. Trust that he delights in my delight. Trust that he desires to give good gifts to his children. Trust that he would fulfill his promise to me. Trust that he would take care of my Joseph. Trust him with an open hand. Here was my chance to do it right. To wait upon him. To wait to be pursued. To dwell in the land land God had placed me and befriend faithfulness....
"Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness. Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust Him and he will act. Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him… For the meek shall inherit the promised land and have abundant peace."
Psalm 37; 3-11
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Daughter of Eve
In these bodies we will live,
in these bodies we will die
Where you invest your love,
you invest your life
-Mumford and Sons
I am not marrying the man of my dreams. Gasp! Shock and awe! No its true. When I first laid eyes on my hubby-to-be I wasn't exactly impressed. The rowdy red-head from the mountains was NOT my type. As a bit of a hippie and a true romantic, I had always imagined myself with more of an artist, a poet, a songwriter, a minister. A bleeding heart with a cultured point of view. A tree hugger. Passionate - of course - and brilliant. A leader. We would write songs together, we would minister together. We would bring crowds of people to tears with the beauty of our words. He would love folk music and dancing - real dancing. And style… Yea he would have style… Indie and creative…. Sigh…. And Corey? Well…. let's just say he didn't fit the bill. Into hardcore screamo music with a flair for redneck culture, he spent more time planning practical jokes than studying. He never took anything too seriously and was known for his reckless behavior. Not to mention he was a litter bug! (I remember the first time I saw him throw a gum wrapper out the car window - I was utterly horrified! Littering is a cardinal sin according to my eco-friendly family…) Not to mention the fact that he was almost 4 years younger than me. (Although the first time I met him he lied to me and told me he was 23 (when he was 19) and the older brother of the two. I went a week under the belief that he was my age until I commented to someone "I can't believe Corey is 23!" "What are you talking about, he's 19." "What?!" …. Things made a lot more sense after that…)
Despite how vastly different we were, Corey and I became good friends. He had a way of pulling me out of my head (writers of any sort tend to get caught up in their thoughts…) He lived in the moment. He could make light of any situation and was always good for a laugh. He became a great source of joy for me - in a purely platonic way. Just my good buddy. At least that's how I saw it. Until my dear friend Crystal leaned over in class one day and asked, "Are you in love with him?" "What?! Nooooo!" Apparently we looked a little too comfortable with one another as I was sharing my box of cereal with him. I was appalled. I did NOT like Corey Yoder. Oh. My. Goodness. "Ok whatever you say…" It wasn't the last time someone asked me about things with Corey. People started popping up all over the place saying, "I think there's something there…" I wasn't convinced. He was sooo not my type.
Needless to say it took a bit of persuasion for my heart to change. I had a very specific person in mind that I wanted to marry and I was not going to settle for anything less. At least not again. God knows I had set my bar pretty low in the past… (Daddy used to say if you set your goals low you'll never be disappointed… boy was he ever wrong!) God works in tricky ways though…. And he had something else in mind…. He led me to The Kitchen…
A friend of mine gave a testimony telling a story from her childhood. When she was young, 4 or 5 years old, her Grandfather allowed her into his kitchen. Her grandfather was a wonderful cook. He had a beautiful kitchen with an amazing array of supplies and gadgets galore and he had given her free access. This was a child's paradise, a playground of spices and sauces. She went to work making the most "creative" concoctions possible. After cooking up a storm she would present her masterpieces with whole-hearted pride to her guinea pigs - her family members. You can imagine the creations of a 5 year old chef. The guinea pigs were never too enthused but they accepted the "food" (if you can call it that) graciously. Her grandfather tried to guide her. He would offer her suggestions on what to add and what to leave out, but she wasn't interested. She'd stomp her feet and shout "No I'm going to do it myself!" and push him out of the kitchen. As time went by, however, she began to notice that people really liked the things grandpa made and they didn't really seem to like what she had made. It appeared that perhaps Grandpa knew what he was doing… Slowly she began to listen to grandpa's suggestions, and eventually she even started to ask for his advice. And her cooking started to taste good! Really good! She realized the value of receiving instruction and trusting the wisdom of her Grandfather.
God is often like that Grandpa…. Gently and patiently guiding us with his wisdom and truth, though many of us stomp our feet and shout "No! I'm going to do it MY way!." I began to realize that I was pushing God out of the kitchen. I was convinced that I knew what was best for me and I was going to do what I needed to do to get it. I knew what I wanted for MY life. I wanted to be in ministry with my husband doing music so I would need X type of man with attributes A, B and C. I was the chef, stiring my own pot, I was adding my own spices, attempting to author my own story. I was a control freak. I needed to surrender.
I think the hardest part of surrender is trust. Trust is a scary thing. It makes you vulnerable. It puts you at the mercy of another. If you are to trust someone, you better make sure that they are trustworthy. And the truth is, I wasn't sure that God was. I was afraid to let God take over the kitchen. I didn't know where it would lead. How could I be sure that God was trustworthy? How could I be sure that God was good?
I'm not the first woman to ask this question. In fact, the question was there from the beginning, with the very first woman, Eve. It is the question that changed the course of history and all life as we know it. It is the question that caused the fall. We all know the story…. Adam and Eve were in the garden…
Now the serpent was the shrewdest of all the creatures the Lord God had made. "Really?" he asked the woman. "Did God really say you must not eat any of the fruit in the garden?" "Of course we may eat it, " the woman told him. "It's only the fruit from the tree at the center of the garden that we are not allowed to eat. God says we must not eat it or even touch it, or we will die." "You won't die!" the serpent hissed. "God knows that your eyes will be opened when you eat it. You will become just like God, knowing everything, both good and evil." The woman was convinced. She saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband who was with her and he ate it. Genesis 3: 2-6
That's all it took. The serpent, being so crafty and subtle in his deception only had to hint that God was holding out on them. That God was trying to keep good things from his people. That God wasn't trustworthy. And she was convinced. You can almost see the gears turning in her mind. I want be be like God. I want to know what God knows. I want to see what God sees. Why would he withhold that from me? And the fruit looks good to eat… Is God lying to us? Is He good? Is He trustworthy? The root of the fall was not trusting the character of God. Not trusting that He had the best intentions in mind. And then deciding to take matters into our own hands to ensure our own happiness. Control. Sigh… I am truly a daughter of Eve.
I always wanted to be in control. When I was in control I knew things would happen the way I thought they should. It was safe. I didn't need to trust anyone but myself, including God. Especially with my relationships. I needed to learn to let go. To allow God into the kitchen. To trust Him. To take my hand off the pot, turn over the spatula and back away from the stove. I started the process of surrender. Ok Lord. I give up! I have been pushing you out of my kitchen for too long. I need to trust you. I know you have a plan. I will step aside and let you handle the spices. I may need you help in gibing in, but i know I want your plan. I will surrender. Of course surrender is a continual thing. I've often laid down that spatula only to find it back in hand just moments later. But I opened myself up to His wisdom and as I did my heart began to change….
I remember a conversation with my mentor. We met weekly to discuss all the happenings in my life and she helped me seek God's guidance. I remember her asking me what kind of guy I'd like to marry. Knowing all the attributes of my ideal man by heart, I recited off my list "artist, songwriter, passionate, leader, minister, well read, hippie…" After listening to my list she said very matter of factly, "Hil, you know you can't marry yourself." Truth be told I that is exactly who I had described. A slightly more masculine, dark haired, tan skinned (so my poor children would have a chance at an average skin tone) version of myself. I don't know how I had never seen it before. "You need someone who will compliment you, who will be strong where you are weak and who will benefit from your strengths. I think you need to get rid of that list. Let God in His infinite wisdom and understand bring someone to you."
After wrestling with my list for some time I did manage to get rid of it. And God in his infinite wisdom brought someone to me. That rowdy red-headed mountain man. Carefree. Lighthearted, with a simple and steadfast trust in the Lord. The first time I had a sense of any feelings for him we were sitting next to each other at church. He went to put his arm across the back of the pew and his fingers brushed my arm. My heart went crazy - stars and lightning bolts, butterflies and fuzzes. What the heck was that? I asked myself. I'm not supposed to feel that about Corey! He's like a little brother! Aaaah! Crazy as I thought it was, something changed that day. I started to see what everyone was talking about. I started to see our compatibility. He is not at all what I expected, but looking back now, I wouldn't have it any other way….
in these bodies we will die
Where you invest your love,
you invest your life
-Mumford and Sons
I am not marrying the man of my dreams. Gasp! Shock and awe! No its true. When I first laid eyes on my hubby-to-be I wasn't exactly impressed. The rowdy red-head from the mountains was NOT my type. As a bit of a hippie and a true romantic, I had always imagined myself with more of an artist, a poet, a songwriter, a minister. A bleeding heart with a cultured point of view. A tree hugger. Passionate - of course - and brilliant. A leader. We would write songs together, we would minister together. We would bring crowds of people to tears with the beauty of our words. He would love folk music and dancing - real dancing. And style… Yea he would have style… Indie and creative…. Sigh…. And Corey? Well…. let's just say he didn't fit the bill. Into hardcore screamo music with a flair for redneck culture, he spent more time planning practical jokes than studying. He never took anything too seriously and was known for his reckless behavior. Not to mention he was a litter bug! (I remember the first time I saw him throw a gum wrapper out the car window - I was utterly horrified! Littering is a cardinal sin according to my eco-friendly family…) Not to mention the fact that he was almost 4 years younger than me. (Although the first time I met him he lied to me and told me he was 23 (when he was 19) and the older brother of the two. I went a week under the belief that he was my age until I commented to someone "I can't believe Corey is 23!" "What are you talking about, he's 19." "What?!" …. Things made a lot more sense after that…)
Despite how vastly different we were, Corey and I became good friends. He had a way of pulling me out of my head (writers of any sort tend to get caught up in their thoughts…) He lived in the moment. He could make light of any situation and was always good for a laugh. He became a great source of joy for me - in a purely platonic way. Just my good buddy. At least that's how I saw it. Until my dear friend Crystal leaned over in class one day and asked, "Are you in love with him?" "What?! Nooooo!" Apparently we looked a little too comfortable with one another as I was sharing my box of cereal with him. I was appalled. I did NOT like Corey Yoder. Oh. My. Goodness. "Ok whatever you say…" It wasn't the last time someone asked me about things with Corey. People started popping up all over the place saying, "I think there's something there…" I wasn't convinced. He was sooo not my type.
Needless to say it took a bit of persuasion for my heart to change. I had a very specific person in mind that I wanted to marry and I was not going to settle for anything less. At least not again. God knows I had set my bar pretty low in the past… (Daddy used to say if you set your goals low you'll never be disappointed… boy was he ever wrong!) God works in tricky ways though…. And he had something else in mind…. He led me to The Kitchen…
A friend of mine gave a testimony telling a story from her childhood. When she was young, 4 or 5 years old, her Grandfather allowed her into his kitchen. Her grandfather was a wonderful cook. He had a beautiful kitchen with an amazing array of supplies and gadgets galore and he had given her free access. This was a child's paradise, a playground of spices and sauces. She went to work making the most "creative" concoctions possible. After cooking up a storm she would present her masterpieces with whole-hearted pride to her guinea pigs - her family members. You can imagine the creations of a 5 year old chef. The guinea pigs were never too enthused but they accepted the "food" (if you can call it that) graciously. Her grandfather tried to guide her. He would offer her suggestions on what to add and what to leave out, but she wasn't interested. She'd stomp her feet and shout "No I'm going to do it myself!" and push him out of the kitchen. As time went by, however, she began to notice that people really liked the things grandpa made and they didn't really seem to like what she had made. It appeared that perhaps Grandpa knew what he was doing… Slowly she began to listen to grandpa's suggestions, and eventually she even started to ask for his advice. And her cooking started to taste good! Really good! She realized the value of receiving instruction and trusting the wisdom of her Grandfather.
God is often like that Grandpa…. Gently and patiently guiding us with his wisdom and truth, though many of us stomp our feet and shout "No! I'm going to do it MY way!." I began to realize that I was pushing God out of the kitchen. I was convinced that I knew what was best for me and I was going to do what I needed to do to get it. I knew what I wanted for MY life. I wanted to be in ministry with my husband doing music so I would need X type of man with attributes A, B and C. I was the chef, stiring my own pot, I was adding my own spices, attempting to author my own story. I was a control freak. I needed to surrender.
I think the hardest part of surrender is trust. Trust is a scary thing. It makes you vulnerable. It puts you at the mercy of another. If you are to trust someone, you better make sure that they are trustworthy. And the truth is, I wasn't sure that God was. I was afraid to let God take over the kitchen. I didn't know where it would lead. How could I be sure that God was trustworthy? How could I be sure that God was good?
I'm not the first woman to ask this question. In fact, the question was there from the beginning, with the very first woman, Eve. It is the question that changed the course of history and all life as we know it. It is the question that caused the fall. We all know the story…. Adam and Eve were in the garden…
Now the serpent was the shrewdest of all the creatures the Lord God had made. "Really?" he asked the woman. "Did God really say you must not eat any of the fruit in the garden?" "Of course we may eat it, " the woman told him. "It's only the fruit from the tree at the center of the garden that we are not allowed to eat. God says we must not eat it or even touch it, or we will die." "You won't die!" the serpent hissed. "God knows that your eyes will be opened when you eat it. You will become just like God, knowing everything, both good and evil." The woman was convinced. She saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband who was with her and he ate it. Genesis 3: 2-6
That's all it took. The serpent, being so crafty and subtle in his deception only had to hint that God was holding out on them. That God was trying to keep good things from his people. That God wasn't trustworthy. And she was convinced. You can almost see the gears turning in her mind. I want be be like God. I want to know what God knows. I want to see what God sees. Why would he withhold that from me? And the fruit looks good to eat… Is God lying to us? Is He good? Is He trustworthy? The root of the fall was not trusting the character of God. Not trusting that He had the best intentions in mind. And then deciding to take matters into our own hands to ensure our own happiness. Control. Sigh… I am truly a daughter of Eve.
I always wanted to be in control. When I was in control I knew things would happen the way I thought they should. It was safe. I didn't need to trust anyone but myself, including God. Especially with my relationships. I needed to learn to let go. To allow God into the kitchen. To trust Him. To take my hand off the pot, turn over the spatula and back away from the stove. I started the process of surrender. Ok Lord. I give up! I have been pushing you out of my kitchen for too long. I need to trust you. I know you have a plan. I will step aside and let you handle the spices. I may need you help in gibing in, but i know I want your plan. I will surrender. Of course surrender is a continual thing. I've often laid down that spatula only to find it back in hand just moments later. But I opened myself up to His wisdom and as I did my heart began to change….
I remember a conversation with my mentor. We met weekly to discuss all the happenings in my life and she helped me seek God's guidance. I remember her asking me what kind of guy I'd like to marry. Knowing all the attributes of my ideal man by heart, I recited off my list "artist, songwriter, passionate, leader, minister, well read, hippie…" After listening to my list she said very matter of factly, "Hil, you know you can't marry yourself." Truth be told I that is exactly who I had described. A slightly more masculine, dark haired, tan skinned (so my poor children would have a chance at an average skin tone) version of myself. I don't know how I had never seen it before. "You need someone who will compliment you, who will be strong where you are weak and who will benefit from your strengths. I think you need to get rid of that list. Let God in His infinite wisdom and understand bring someone to you."
After wrestling with my list for some time I did manage to get rid of it. And God in his infinite wisdom brought someone to me. That rowdy red-headed mountain man. Carefree. Lighthearted, with a simple and steadfast trust in the Lord. The first time I had a sense of any feelings for him we were sitting next to each other at church. He went to put his arm across the back of the pew and his fingers brushed my arm. My heart went crazy - stars and lightning bolts, butterflies and fuzzes. What the heck was that? I asked myself. I'm not supposed to feel that about Corey! He's like a little brother! Aaaah! Crazy as I thought it was, something changed that day. I started to see what everyone was talking about. I started to see our compatibility. He is not at all what I expected, but looking back now, I wouldn't have it any other way….
Sunday, July 1, 2012
Hosea
You say you’re lookin’ for someone
Never weak but always strong
To protect you an’ defend you
Whether you are right or wrong
Someone to open each and every door
But it ain’t me, babe
No, no, no, it ain’t me, babe
It ain’t me you’re lookin’ for, babe
-Bob Dylan
I think I can safely say that the entirety of my dating life was a disaster. It often felt as though some outside source was thwarting my every effort to find a boyfriend and I desperately wanted a boyfriend…. I don't know when that desire was first awakened or why, but it was definitely there. Like many young girls I daydreamed about my knight in shining armor coming to sweep me off my feet, instead they normally tripped me up and left me flat on my face. Ah young love.
There is something in a young woman's heart that longs to be adored, to be admired, to be beautiful. If you don't believe me, just take a look around. Women young and old adorn themselves with jewelry, make-up, clothes - all for the purpose of feeling beautiful. My interest in fashion started on my 2nd birthday, thanks to my dear sweet aunties who dressed me up in all my new outfits for my very first fashion show. I whirled and twirled around while everyone oooed and ahhhed. Bam - I was hooked. Admiration addict at the age of 2.
If only I had been taught to take that desire to the Lord… Instead, as I grew older, I wanted that attention from boys. I pursued one interest after another, hoping that maybe this would be the one - maybe this will be my true love. And if not my true love, then at least it will give me some moment of bliss knowing that I was worthy to be pursued. Somewhere down the line I started to believe that my validation would be found in a man. Maybe thats because all the pretty popular girls in elementary school got a lot of attention from the boys…. I, on the other hand, did not. Painfully shy, a little on the plump side and blessed with a face full of freckles and crazy pouffy curls, I was not the most sought after girl at Christa McAuliffe Elementary….. I think i always carried that awkward little girl with me…. Always wanting someone to take notice. Always wanting to be called beautiful. Always seeking that love that would supposedly make me whole. Romance was the second great addiction of my life. I lived for it. I longed for it. Romance offered a high unmatched by anything else in my existence. I sacrificed much of my heart and purity is search of it. That is until I met Hosea.
I remember the moment distinctly. I was on the road with CTI, contemplating a rough breakup while reminiscing on my long history of failed romances. (Touring the US in a van full-time left me with plenty of time to my thoughts.) I found myself completely ashamed of the spectacle I had become. Surely I knew I was worth more… But somehow I continued throwing myself at love time and time again, whose ever face it belonged to. Rather that being fulfilled I was used and rejected or smothered and shamed. I didn't understand why God would allow all this to happen. I remember saying to the Lord, "Why? Why do they all end this way? Why don't they work? What am I doing wrong?" The Lord led me to the book for Hosea. In all my previous Bible study I had never read the short account of this unlikely prophet. Considering the scandalous nature of its contents I'm surprised it isn't a more popular read. Hosea opens by saying,
"When the Lord began to speak through Hosea, the Lord sad ti him, "Go marry a promiscuous woman and have children with her, for like an adulterous wife, this land is guilty of unfaithfulness to the Lord." Hosea 1:2.
Intrigued? So was I….. Throughout scripture the Lord often refers to the church, his people, you and me, as his Bride…. but to ask one of his very own prophets to live out an adulterous relationship seemed a little too literal. Nevertheless, Hosea did as he was commanded. He married an adulterous woman named Gomer, and together they had three. children. But as you can expect, Gomer grew restless, and she began to seek out other lovers,
"I will go after my lovers who give me my food and my water, my wool and my linen, my oil and my drink. Therefore I will block her path with thorn-bushes; I will wall her in so that she cannot find her way. She will chase after her lovers but not catch them; she will look for them but not find them, Then she will say, 'I will go back to my husband as at first, for then I was better off than now." Hosea 2:5-7
Gomer believed that her other lovers could give to her what she desired most. She believed they would fill insatiable hole inside her. She pursued her lovers like they were her lifeblood. Like an addict. Like me. Suddenly I saw it. I was Gomer. I was the adulterous woman. I was seeking my other lovers before my First love. And the Lord responded to me in much the same way he did with Gomer.
He walled her in, he blocked her path. Though she sought her lovers, she could not catch them. He did this not in cruelty, but in love. To guide her back to her first love. I finally understood why so many of my relationships had ended in disaster. There truly WAS an outside source thwarting my ever effort to get the guy. Ha. He had been walling me in - protecting me - and waiting for me to come to Him whose Love would truly fulfill.
"She has not acknowledged that I was the one who gave her the grain, the new wine and oil, who lavished on her silver and gold." Hosea 2:8.
Little did I know, that the Lord was the source of my desire. I was seeking to fill the insatiable hole in my heart with romance. But that insatiable hole could only be filled, could only be satisfied by the one source of unconditional love. My Lord. My Love. My God.
"Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the wilderness and speak tenderly to her… In that day, declares the Lord, you will call me 'my husband' you will no longer call me 'my master.' I will betroth you to me forever in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion. I will betroth you in faithfulness and you will acknowledge the Lord….. I will show my love to the one called 'Not loved one.' " Hosea 2: 15-21
I began a long process of recovery. Like most addicts I had some relapses. I was tested many times and failed. It wasn't easy. But I was told if you want what you've never had you must do what you've never done. So that's what I did. I walked away from love as I knew it. It took years for me to give up my romance addiction, the crutch, the drug that I used to fill my heart. But slowly and surely I allowed the Lord to be my love, to romance me and give me the true desires of my heart. Affirmation. Identity. Validation. All these things were found in Christ alone. I learned to hold my heart captive for Him. To wait for Him. To trust Him . He led me to into the wilderness. The urban jungle of Memphis, TN (where, incidentally, I met my future husband….) He spoke tenderly to me. Told me I was beautiful. Reminded me of who I am.
I truly believe that was the beginning of my journey to the altar. Recognizing the Lord as my First love. On the road, in a van ,somewhere in the United States I started my romance with my One True Love. And I believe that is where our story began as well...
Never weak but always strong
To protect you an’ defend you
Whether you are right or wrong
Someone to open each and every door
But it ain’t me, babe
No, no, no, it ain’t me, babe
It ain’t me you’re lookin’ for, babe
-Bob Dylan
I think I can safely say that the entirety of my dating life was a disaster. It often felt as though some outside source was thwarting my every effort to find a boyfriend and I desperately wanted a boyfriend…. I don't know when that desire was first awakened or why, but it was definitely there. Like many young girls I daydreamed about my knight in shining armor coming to sweep me off my feet, instead they normally tripped me up and left me flat on my face. Ah young love.
There is something in a young woman's heart that longs to be adored, to be admired, to be beautiful. If you don't believe me, just take a look around. Women young and old adorn themselves with jewelry, make-up, clothes - all for the purpose of feeling beautiful. My interest in fashion started on my 2nd birthday, thanks to my dear sweet aunties who dressed me up in all my new outfits for my very first fashion show. I whirled and twirled around while everyone oooed and ahhhed. Bam - I was hooked. Admiration addict at the age of 2.
If only I had been taught to take that desire to the Lord… Instead, as I grew older, I wanted that attention from boys. I pursued one interest after another, hoping that maybe this would be the one - maybe this will be my true love. And if not my true love, then at least it will give me some moment of bliss knowing that I was worthy to be pursued. Somewhere down the line I started to believe that my validation would be found in a man. Maybe thats because all the pretty popular girls in elementary school got a lot of attention from the boys…. I, on the other hand, did not. Painfully shy, a little on the plump side and blessed with a face full of freckles and crazy pouffy curls, I was not the most sought after girl at Christa McAuliffe Elementary….. I think i always carried that awkward little girl with me…. Always wanting someone to take notice. Always wanting to be called beautiful. Always seeking that love that would supposedly make me whole. Romance was the second great addiction of my life. I lived for it. I longed for it. Romance offered a high unmatched by anything else in my existence. I sacrificed much of my heart and purity is search of it. That is until I met Hosea.
I remember the moment distinctly. I was on the road with CTI, contemplating a rough breakup while reminiscing on my long history of failed romances. (Touring the US in a van full-time left me with plenty of time to my thoughts.) I found myself completely ashamed of the spectacle I had become. Surely I knew I was worth more… But somehow I continued throwing myself at love time and time again, whose ever face it belonged to. Rather that being fulfilled I was used and rejected or smothered and shamed. I didn't understand why God would allow all this to happen. I remember saying to the Lord, "Why? Why do they all end this way? Why don't they work? What am I doing wrong?" The Lord led me to the book for Hosea. In all my previous Bible study I had never read the short account of this unlikely prophet. Considering the scandalous nature of its contents I'm surprised it isn't a more popular read. Hosea opens by saying,
"When the Lord began to speak through Hosea, the Lord sad ti him, "Go marry a promiscuous woman and have children with her, for like an adulterous wife, this land is guilty of unfaithfulness to the Lord." Hosea 1:2.
Intrigued? So was I….. Throughout scripture the Lord often refers to the church, his people, you and me, as his Bride…. but to ask one of his very own prophets to live out an adulterous relationship seemed a little too literal. Nevertheless, Hosea did as he was commanded. He married an adulterous woman named Gomer, and together they had three. children. But as you can expect, Gomer grew restless, and she began to seek out other lovers,
"I will go after my lovers who give me my food and my water, my wool and my linen, my oil and my drink. Therefore I will block her path with thorn-bushes; I will wall her in so that she cannot find her way. She will chase after her lovers but not catch them; she will look for them but not find them, Then she will say, 'I will go back to my husband as at first, for then I was better off than now." Hosea 2:5-7
Gomer believed that her other lovers could give to her what she desired most. She believed they would fill insatiable hole inside her. She pursued her lovers like they were her lifeblood. Like an addict. Like me. Suddenly I saw it. I was Gomer. I was the adulterous woman. I was seeking my other lovers before my First love. And the Lord responded to me in much the same way he did with Gomer.
He walled her in, he blocked her path. Though she sought her lovers, she could not catch them. He did this not in cruelty, but in love. To guide her back to her first love. I finally understood why so many of my relationships had ended in disaster. There truly WAS an outside source thwarting my ever effort to get the guy. Ha. He had been walling me in - protecting me - and waiting for me to come to Him whose Love would truly fulfill.
"She has not acknowledged that I was the one who gave her the grain, the new wine and oil, who lavished on her silver and gold." Hosea 2:8.
Little did I know, that the Lord was the source of my desire. I was seeking to fill the insatiable hole in my heart with romance. But that insatiable hole could only be filled, could only be satisfied by the one source of unconditional love. My Lord. My Love. My God.
"Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the wilderness and speak tenderly to her… In that day, declares the Lord, you will call me 'my husband' you will no longer call me 'my master.' I will betroth you to me forever in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion. I will betroth you in faithfulness and you will acknowledge the Lord….. I will show my love to the one called 'Not loved one.' " Hosea 2: 15-21
I began a long process of recovery. Like most addicts I had some relapses. I was tested many times and failed. It wasn't easy. But I was told if you want what you've never had you must do what you've never done. So that's what I did. I walked away from love as I knew it. It took years for me to give up my romance addiction, the crutch, the drug that I used to fill my heart. But slowly and surely I allowed the Lord to be my love, to romance me and give me the true desires of my heart. Affirmation. Identity. Validation. All these things were found in Christ alone. I learned to hold my heart captive for Him. To wait for Him. To trust Him . He led me to into the wilderness. The urban jungle of Memphis, TN (where, incidentally, I met my future husband….) He spoke tenderly to me. Told me I was beautiful. Reminded me of who I am.
I truly believe that was the beginning of my journey to the altar. Recognizing the Lord as my First love. On the road, in a van ,somewhere in the United States I started my romance with my One True Love. And I believe that is where our story began as well...
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