The Cost

I’ve learned to hate my mother
I’ve learned to hate my father
I’ve learned to hate all the kin that I have known

I’ve learned to hate my brother
I’ve learned to hate my lover
I’ve learned to hate all the friends I call my own

I’ve learned to hate my efforts
I’ve learned to hate my treasures
I’ve learned to hate all the seeds that I have sown

I’ve learned to hate the easy out
I’ve learned to hate my comfort
I’ve learned to hate the safety that I take hold
 
I heard Him ask of me
Do you love me more than these

I’ve learned to hate my own desires
I’ve learned to hate my fear of the fire
I’ve learned to hate all the rights that I have claimed
 
I heard Him ask of me
Do you love me more than these
- The Passerine

Fire is a powerful force.  A force that can melt the strongest of metals, transform sand into glass and bring great forests to dust in moments.  It is a force to be reckoned with for sure.  Its greatest power, however, is not so flashy.  I believe fire's most valuable gift works on a much smaller scale.  Imperceptible to the eye.  Purification.  Refinement.  Gold is only refined by fire.  Our God is an all consuming fire, with power to part the seas and crumble mountains. But His greatest work, is imperceptible to the eye.  Our hearts are only refined by fire.  All consuming fire.

I remember my time of waiting as whirlwind of emotion.  I tried desperately to keep my heart in check, not to rush ahead of God's timing, not to hold too tightly to His promise.  Holding it with an open hand.  Trying not to worry about my Joseph. I wasn't always great at it.  At times I found my thoughts consumed by that boy. I often wanted to take control.  But I was determine to allow him to pursue me.  And I was determined to" dwell in the land that I was in and befriend faithfulness."   Faithfulness indeed took an interesting turn one December afternoon when I received an email from the president of my college.  He wanted to meet with me about an opportunity.  It turned out the college wanted to open a satellite location in Germany where I had served a few months prior as the Songwriting instructor for their summer music camp.  They wanted me to head up the songwriting department.  In Germany.  In 6 months. 

I was a little dumbfounded.  "What do you think?" Ken asked with a big grin on his face.  I was flattered.  I was shocked.  I was scared out of my mind.  I told him I needed some time to think about it.  To be honest I knew exactly what I thought about it.  No way!  I mean don't get me wrong, I loved Germany and all but not enough to move my life there!  Leave my family?  My friends?  My church? My community?  My language?!  And not to mention this man that has been brought into my life!  What about that promise Lord?   I was totally freaked out.  I needed to process this.  I needed to fast and pray.  Throughout my fast the scriptures I read had a common theme…

"If any would come after me he must deny himself and take up his cross daily. For whoever wants to save his life will loose it but whoever looses his life for my sake will save it."
Luke 9:23

"Since then you have been raised with Christ, set your heart on things above, where Christ is seated.  For you died and your life is now hidden in Christ.  When Christ who is your life appears then you also will appear in glory."
Collisions 3:1

"If anyone comes to Me, and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be My disciple.
Luke 14:26

"My peace I bring to you.  My peace I leave with you.  I do not give as the world gives.  Do not be afraid and do not let your hearts be troubled."
John 14:27

Oh death.  How we run from it.  How we fight it.  Death to ourselves, death to our desires, death to our plan for our lives. Somehow death is what we truly need.  Death will bring us life..  It seems impossible.  It is the great mystery and beauty of the gospel.  In our finite understanding we believe our desires will bring us life. We don't realize how small our desires are.  The Lord has much greater things for us than we could ever dream, if we would just surrender.  If we would just die to ourselves.  C.S. Lewis put is this way:

"If we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak.We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered to us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased."

I didn't want to be too easily pleased.  I didn't want to settle for less than what God had in store.  But I also didn't want to leave.  My flesh was waring against my spirit.  I needed to talk to someone.  My friend Jan had moved to the US from the Czech Republic.  I thought he might have some insight to offer, so I asked him how he made his decision to move here.  He told me that he didn't want to live in the zoo.  In the zoo you have all your needs taken care of.  You have your food and your water and your shelter.  You're comfortable.  You're safe.  But you're living in a cage.  In the jungle it might be scary, there are predators roaming around.  You have to fight for your food.  But you're free.  You're free to live as you were meant to live.  You're free to have life.  True life.

It appeared the Lord was calling me to the jungle, to a holiday at the sea.  To something far greater that I had imagined for myself.  But I had to die.  I had to die to myself, to my plans, to my desires.  The Lord was asking, do you love me?  You say that I am your one true love, you say that you aren't going to chase after other loves.  Gomer, do you love me?  Do you love me more than you family and your friend and you church and community?  Do you love me more than that boy?  Do you love me more than your desires?  Do you love me.  And do you trust me?  You say that you are ready to relinquish control, daughter of Eve.  Do you trust me?  To handle your desires?  Lady in waiting, are you willing to wait?  Wait on me?  Not on on relationship, but on me? 

All consuming fire.  It was time to die.

Interestingly, the day I made my decision to move to Germany, Corey asked me to go out for coffee.  He wanted to hear about my move to Germany.  We had a great conversation and on the way home he brought up "our situation."  He was aware that people were talking about us, like we were going to be the next big couple.  He hated gossip, he wanted to clear the air.  I knew I needed to tell him the truth. 

"Well Corey, its not all gossip.  I do have feelings for you.  I didn't really see it coming.  I thought if I put the feelings on the shelf for a little while they would might go way, but they didn't.  I don't expect anything from you, but I thought I should be honest with you."

"Ok well I won't be weird."

"So I take that to mean you don't feel the same way?"

"Not that I'm aware of…"

All consuming fire.