Daughter of Eve

In these bodies we will live,
in these bodies we will die
Where you invest your love,
you invest your life
  -Mumford and Sons

I am not marrying the man of my dreams.  Gasp! Shock and awe! No its true. When I first laid eyes on my hubby-to-be I wasn't exactly impressed.  The rowdy red-head from the mountains was NOT my type.  As a bit of a hippie and a true romantic, I had always imagined myself with more of an artist, a poet, a songwriter, a minister.  A bleeding heart with a cultured point of view.  A tree hugger. Passionate - of course - and brilliant. A leader.  We would write songs together, we would minister together.  We would bring crowds of people to tears with the beauty of our words.  He would love folk music and dancing - real dancing.  And style…  Yea he would have style…  Indie and creative….  Sigh….  And Corey?  Well…. let's just say he didn't fit the bill.  Into hardcore screamo music with a flair for redneck culture, he spent more time planning practical jokes than studying. He never took anything too seriously and was known for his reckless behavior.  Not to mention he was a litter bug!  (I remember the first time I saw him throw a gum wrapper out the car window - I was utterly horrified!  Littering is a cardinal sin according to my eco-friendly family…) Not to mention the fact that he was almost 4 years younger than me.  (Although the first time I met him he lied to me and told me he was 23 (when he was 19) and the older brother of the two. I went a week under the belief that he was my age until I commented to someone "I can't believe Corey is 23!"  "What are you talking about, he's 19."  "What?!" …. Things made a lot more sense after that…)

Despite how vastly different we were, Corey and I became good friends.  He had a way of pulling me out of my head (writers of any sort tend to get caught up in their thoughts…)  He lived in the moment.  He could make light of any situation and was always good for a laugh.  He became a great source of joy for me - in a purely platonic way.  Just my good buddy.  At least that's how I saw it.  Until my dear friend Crystal leaned over in class one day and asked, "Are you in love with him?"  "What?! Nooooo!"  Apparently we looked a little too comfortable with one another as I was sharing my box of cereal with him.  I was appalled.  I did NOT like Corey Yoder.  Oh. My. Goodness.  "Ok whatever you say…"  It wasn't the last time someone asked me about things with Corey.  People started popping up all over the place saying, "I think there's something there…"  I wasn't convinced. He was sooo not my type.

Needless to say it took a bit of persuasion for my heart to change.  I had a very specific person in mind that I wanted to marry and I was not going to settle for anything less.   At least not again. God knows I had set my bar pretty low in the past… (Daddy used to say if you set your goals low you'll never be disappointed… boy was he ever wrong!)   God works in tricky ways though…. And he had something else in mind…. He led me to The Kitchen…

A friend of mine gave a testimony telling a story from her childhood.  When she was young, 4 or 5 years old, her Grandfather allowed her into his kitchen.  Her grandfather was a wonderful cook. He had a beautiful kitchen with an amazing array of supplies and gadgets galore and he had given her free access.  This was a child's paradise, a playground of spices and sauces.  She went to work making the most "creative" concoctions possible.  After cooking up a storm she would present her masterpieces with whole-hearted pride to her guinea pigs - her family members.  You can imagine the creations of a 5 year old chef.  The guinea pigs were never too enthused but they accepted the "food" (if you can call it that) graciously.  Her grandfather tried to guide her.  He would offer her suggestions on what to add and what to leave out, but she wasn't interested.  She'd stomp her feet and shout "No I'm going to do it myself!" and push him out of the kitchen.  As time went by, however, she began to notice that people really liked the things grandpa made and they didn't really seem to like what she had made.  It appeared that perhaps Grandpa knew what he was doing… Slowly she began to listen to grandpa's suggestions, and eventually she even started to ask for his advice.  And her cooking started to taste good! Really good!  She realized the value of receiving instruction and trusting the wisdom of her Grandfather.

God is often like that Grandpa…. Gently and patiently guiding us with his wisdom and truth, though many of us stomp our feet and shout "No! I'm going to do it MY way!."  I began to realize that I was pushing God out of the kitchen.  I was convinced that I knew what was best for me and I was going to do what I needed to do to get it.  I knew what I wanted for MY life.  I wanted to be in ministry with my husband doing music so I would need X type of man with attributes A, B and C.  I was the chef, stiring my own pot, I was adding my own spices, attempting to author my own story.  I was a control freak.  I needed to surrender. 

I think the hardest part of surrender is trust.  Trust is a scary thing.  It makes you vulnerable.  It puts you at the mercy of another.  If you are to trust someone, you better make sure that they are trustworthy.  And the truth is, I wasn't sure that God was.  I was afraid to let God take over the kitchen.  I didn't know where it would lead.  How could I be sure that God was trustworthy?  How could I be sure that God was good?

I'm not the first woman to ask this question.  In fact, the question was there from the beginning, with the very first woman, Eve.  It is the question that changed the course of history and all life as we know it.  It is the question that caused the fall.  We all know the story….  Adam and Eve were in the garden…

Now the serpent was the shrewdest of all the creatures the Lord God had made.  "Really?" he asked the woman. "Did God really say you must not eat any of the fruit in the garden?" "Of course we may eat it, " the woman told him. "It's only the fruit from the tree at the center of the garden that we are not allowed to eat. God says we must not eat it or even touch it, or we will die." "You won't die!" the serpent hissed. "God knows that your eyes will be opened when you eat it.  You will become just like God, knowing everything, both good and evil." The woman was convinced. She saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband who was with her and he ate it.  Genesis 3: 2-6

That's all it took.  The serpent, being so crafty and subtle in his deception only had to hint that God was holding out on them.  That God was trying to keep good things from his people.  That God wasn't trustworthy.  And she was convinced. You can almost see the gears turning in her mind.  I want be be like God.  I want to know what God knows. I want to see what God sees.  Why would he withhold that from me? And the fruit looks good to eat… Is God lying to us? Is He good?  Is He trustworthy?   The root of the fall was not trusting the character of God.  Not trusting that He had the best intentions in mind.  And then deciding to take matters into our own hands to ensure our own happiness.  Control.  Sigh… I am truly a daughter of Eve. 

I always wanted to be in control.  When I was in control I knew things would happen the way I thought they should.  It was safe.  I  didn't need to trust anyone but myself, including God. Especially with my relationships.  I needed to learn to let go.  To allow God into the kitchen.  To trust Him.  To take my hand off the pot, turn over the spatula and back away from the stove.  I started the process of surrender.  Ok Lord. I give up!  I have been pushing you out of my kitchen for too long.  I need to trust you.  I know you have a plan.  I will step aside and let you handle the spices.  I may need you help in gibing in, but i know I want your plan.  I will surrender.  Of course surrender is a continual thing.  I've often laid down that spatula only to find it back in hand just moments later.  But I opened myself up to His wisdom and as I did my heart began to change….

I remember a conversation with my mentor.  We met weekly to discuss all the happenings in my life and she helped me seek God's guidance. I remember her asking me what kind of guy I'd like to marry.  Knowing all the attributes of my ideal man by heart, I recited off my list "artist, songwriter, passionate, leader, minister, well read, hippie…"  After listening to my list she said very matter of factly, "Hil, you know you can't marry yourself."  Truth be told I that is exactly who I had described.  A slightly more masculine, dark haired, tan skinned (so my poor children would have a chance at an average skin tone) version of myself.  I don't know how I had never seen it before.  "You need someone who will compliment you, who will be strong where you are weak and who will benefit from your strengths.  I think you need to get rid of that list.  Let God in His infinite wisdom and understand bring someone to you." 

After wrestling with my list for some time I did manage to get rid of it.  And God in his infinite wisdom brought someone to me.  That rowdy red-headed mountain man.  Carefree.  Lighthearted, with a simple and steadfast trust in the Lord.  The first time I had a sense of any feelings for him we were sitting next to each other at church.  He went to put his arm across the back of the pew and his fingers brushed my arm.  My heart went crazy - stars and lightning bolts, butterflies and fuzzes.  What the heck was that?  I asked myself. I'm not supposed to feel that about Corey! He's like a little brother! Aaaah!  Crazy as I thought it was, something changed that day.  I started to see what everyone was talking about.  I started to see our compatibility.  He is not at all what I expected, but looking back now, I wouldn't have it any other way….