Love is a burning thing
It makes a fiery ring
Bound by wild desire
I fell into a ring of fire
- June Carter
I love Tennessee in the fall. The cool crisp mornings Crystal clear skies. Warm sunshine. Soft breeze whispering through the trees. After the sweltering heat of the Mid-south summer, the autumn air is absolutely magical. There is something nostalgic about it for me, it reminds me of Minnesota, it brings me home. One beautiful fall morning I decided to go for a walk. It was November 1st, the day after Halloween and the neighborhood was still. Perhaps everyone was recovering from the sugar overload of the previous evening. I set out with the intent to spend some time with the Lord. I had become increasingly more aware of my new found feelings for Corey. As I observed him I began to notice things about him I never had before. He was well respected on campus. No longer known just for his crazy antics, Corey had grown into a leader among the men. I'm not sure he entirely realized it though, because he carried himself with such ease. He was passionate, praying for his brothers in Christ, ministering to youth through is band. I saw the Lord in him. People loved him. I admired him. And I had no idea what to do with it. In the past I was known to chase after romance. Never once trusting the Lord with my relationships, I would try to take control. In true daughter of Eve fashion, I would scheme and plot and throw myself at love. But I was committed to do this right. I didn't want to pursue love, I wanted to be pursued - in an honorable way - by an honorable man. A friend had given me a Psalm to read, thinking it would be an encouragement in my current situation. I knew I needed to pray through it. So I set off, bible in hand glad for a peaceful morning to spend with the Lord. I set out for the lake.
"Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness. Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust Him and he will act. Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him… For the meek shall inherit the promised land and have abundant peace."
Psalm 37; 3-11
Trust in the Lord. I was doing a good job of that. No more control. Not leaning on my own understanding. Allowing the Lord to work and move in my life. Check.
Dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness. Yes Lord! I commit myself to fully dwell in the here and now - this place, this moment. Not yearning for tomorrow or yesterday. Being faithful to what you've called me to as a single woman. Check.
Delight yourself in the Lord. Yes Lord you are my one true love. I will no longer chase after other loves I know they will not satisfy. Only you will satisfy.
And He will give you the desires of your heart. Wait What? I stopped dead in my tracks.
And He will give you the desires of your heart. Did I really believe that? I mean really? I know how this works, God…. Once we delight in You, then our desires will line up with yours. We no longer desire anything else because you are the desire of our heart. Very tricky. Right?
Silence. And just as I was about to move on to the next verse, I almost fell flat on my face. I had tripped over a pot hole in the road. The pot hole was in the shape of a heart. Ha. Ok Lord you have my attention. I could read no further. I knew God wanted to speak to me on this issue.
Truth be told, I wasn't so sure that the Lord wanted to give me the desires of my heart. Yes He is a loving God, but He is also mighty and jealous. I have to say I was a little intimidated by His jealously. Sometimes I felt that it was His goal to quench my spirit; as though He would rather take away all the things that give me joy, so that my joy would only be in Him. After all, he had walled me in, blocked my path so that I would not run to romance for my fix. I knew romance was a desire of my heart, but maybe he didn't want romance for me at all. He was supposed to be more than enough for me anyhow, right? So why should I need a husband if God is my bridegroom? Surely he wants me all to himself right?
I continued walking and came across a snickers bar, discarded by some costume clad kid the night before. My stomach groaned. I had forgotten to eat breakfast before my walk. Boy did that candy bar look good! I bent down to pick it up only to find that it was smashed flat - ran over by a car. Well, it could still be good… Then I saw the tear in the wrapper. Well that's just not sanitary. I left it behind and continued walking.
I started to recall my previous relationships. Even though I could see that they weren't right - they weren't healthy - I went ahead with them anyway. Like a child stopping to eat a damaged, dirty candy bar. But I was changed. I was done dating men who weren't worth my time. I wasn't chasing after love like that anymore. I'm waiting on you Lord. I'm not going to waste my heart and affections. I'm waiting for a worthy man. I'd like to think that Corey is worthy.... but I'm waiting on you Lord.
I continued walking and came upon another candy bar, a 100 Grand to be exact. It was perfect, not smashed, no tears in the wrapper - perfectly good to be eaten. Yes! I could totally eat this one! At this point my stomach was churning. I was so hungry! Just as I was about to take the plunge and partake I remembered that when I eat sweets before breakfast I get gut rot. I really should wait to get some real food in me before I eat any candy…. I held on to the candy bar, but didn't eat it.
The Lord then began to speak. You see Hilary, that's what I want for you. I'm happy to give you the candy bar. And not just any candy bar but a good candy bar. A 100 Grand bar. Perfect and delicious. I just want you to have some sustenance first… like a parent who wants their child to eat a good dinner before dessert. I pictured a child eating an ice cream cone… Its hard not to smile seeing them gleefully devouring the treat… dripping - literally - with delight. A parent delights in their child's delight!
So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him. Mattew 7:11.
I finally understood. The Lord takes joy in giving us the desires of our hearts. He finds joy in our joy. He takes delight in our delight. He desires to give good gifts to us. But first he wants us to come to him, to get our fill in him. If he gives us dessert first we won't have an appetite for dinner.
By this time I had reached the lake. I sat down at the dock and looked into the water. It was so clear I could see straight down to the bottom. I watched the sand swirl on the lake bed, moved gently by the water's ripples. I sat pondering what I had just heard from the Lord. Ok Lord, I hear you. I know you will alone will satisfy my soul. But will you really give me the desire of my heart. Will you really allow romance in my life? Will you really bring a husband to me? After the mess I've made in the past?
Suddenly something caught my eye. On the bottom of the lake, as though someone had taken their finger and drawn in the the sand, were two hearts linked together Finding it hard to believe my eyes I took a second look - this had to be my mind playing tricks on me. But sure enough, the hearts were still there, completely unmoved by the waters ripples. A sign. A symbol. A promise.
It was at that moment that I started to believe God's heart for me. That he knew my desires and delighted to give them to me. He desired to bring romance into my life. True, lovely, God honoring romance. It delighted him to do so. Other men had come across my path and were obviously not right for me, I gave my heart to them anyway. But here was Corey. My 100 Grand. A good man, worthy of my affections. The Lord was willing to give me the gift, but he was asking me to wait. To find my fill him Him. But how? And what do I do with my feelings for him in the meantime?
I found my answer as I began to study Mary, mother of Jesus. I think her story often gets missed in all the craziness of the Christmas story.
28The angel went to Mary and said, "Greetings, you who are highly favored! The Lord is with you….. Mary, you have found favor with God. 31You will be with child and give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus. 32He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High. The Lord God will give him the throne of his father David, 33and he will reign over the house of Jacob forever; his kingdom will never end."
34"How will this be," Mary asked the angel, "since I am a virgin?"
35The angel answered, "The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you. So the holy one to be born will be called[c] the Son of God. 36Even Elizabeth your relative is going to have a child in her old age, and she who was said to be barren is in her sixth month. 37For nothing is impossible with God."
38"I am the Lord's servant," Mary answered. "May it be to me as you have said." Then the angel left her.
Luke 1: 28 - 38
Now I'd like to highlight that this holy announcement would have been a lot to swallow. I think we often take her response for granted. Here she was a 16 year old girl, engaged to a good Jewish boy, planning her wedding with dreams for her future and now she's being told that she's not only going to have a child (miraculously and out of wedlock) but also that the child would be the son of God and Savior of the world. Remember this is happening at a very different time in history. Getting pregnant outside of marriage was a big deal - a disgrace and a sin worthy of stoning. And we're not talking pebbles here. Stoning could very well be a death sentence. Not to mention the fact that Joseph would know that the child was not his. Any self respecting Jewish man would want save his name and break off the engagement so as not to incriminate himself. Not only that, but he had every right to be standing with the first stone. She obviously had committed adultery against him, her betrothed. So I don’t know about you but I would have been asking some questions. Such as - Who's going to believe me? What if my parents throw me out on the street? What if I get stoned for this? And what am I supposed to say to Joseph?! What if he leaves me? How am I supposed to take care of a child on my own?! Instead she simply says, "I am the Lord's servant… May it be to me as you have said."
She didn't ask about the consequences. She didn't ask how it was all going to work out. She didn't scheme or plot or try to take control. She didn't worry about Joseph. She trusted the Lord. She believed him.
45 Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill his promises to her!” Luke 1:45
And here's the beautiful thing. ….
19 Because Joseph her husband was faithful to the law, and yet[e] did not want to expose her to public disgrace, he had in mind to divorce her quietly.20 But after he had considered this, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream and said, “Joseph son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary home as your wife, because what is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit. 21 She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus,[f] because he will save his people from their sins.”22 All this took place to fulfill what the Lord had said through the prophet: 23 “The virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel”[g] (which means “God with us”).24 When Joseph woke up, he did what the angel of the Lord had commanded him and took Mary home as his wife.
She didn't have to worry about Joseph. Even when all looked hopeless. Even after he resolved to break the engagement. The Lord intervened. She didn't have to worry about Joseph because the Lord took care of Joseph. The Lord spoke to him. All she had to do was wait. With an open hand. Holding on to what the Lord had given her and releasing what the Lord chose to take.
Here was my chance to trust the Lord. Trust his heart for me. Trust that he delights in my delight. Trust that he desires to give good gifts to his children. Trust that he would fulfill his promise to me. Trust that he would take care of my Joseph. Trust him with an open hand. Here was my chance to do it right. To wait upon him. To wait to be pursued. To dwell in the land land God had placed me and befriend faithfulness....
"Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness. Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust Him and he will act. Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him… For the meek shall inherit the promised land and have abundant peace."
Psalm 37; 3-11
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