Hosea

 You say you’re lookin’ for someone
Never weak but always strong
To protect you an’ defend you
Whether you are right or wrong
Someone to open each and every door
But it ain’t me, babe
No, no, no, it ain’t me, babe
It ain’t me you’re lookin’ for, babe
-Bob Dylan


I think I can safely say that the entirety of my dating life was a disaster.  It often felt as though some outside source was thwarting my every effort to find a boyfriend and I desperately wanted a boyfriend….  I don't know when that desire was first awakened or why, but it was definitely there.  Like many young girls I daydreamed about my knight in shining armor coming to sweep me off my feet, instead they normally tripped me up and left me flat on my face.  Ah young love.

There is something in a young woman's heart that longs to be adored, to be admired, to be beautiful.  If you don't believe me, just take a look around.  Women young and old adorn themselves with jewelry, make-up, clothes - all for the purpose of feeling beautiful.  My interest in fashion started on my 2nd birthday, thanks to my dear sweet aunties who dressed me up in all my new outfits for my very first fashion show.  I whirled and twirled around while everyone oooed and ahhhed.  Bam - I was hooked.  Admiration addict at the age of 2.

If only I had been taught to take that desire to the Lord… Instead, as I grew older, I wanted that attention from boys.  I pursued one interest after another, hoping that maybe this would be the one - maybe this will be my true love.  And if not my true love, then at least it will give me some moment of bliss knowing that I was worthy to be pursued.  Somewhere down the line I started to believe that my validation would be found in a man.  Maybe thats because all the pretty popular girls in elementary school got a lot of attention from the boys….  I, on the other hand, did not.  Painfully shy, a little on the plump side and blessed with a face full of  freckles and crazy pouffy curls, I was not the most sought after girl at Christa McAuliffe Elementary…..  I think i always carried that awkward little girl with me….  Always wanting someone to take notice. Always wanting to be called beautiful.  Always seeking that love that would supposedly make me whole.  Romance was the second great addiction of my life.  I lived for it.  I longed for it.  Romance offered a high unmatched by anything else in my existence.  I sacrificed much of my heart and purity is search of it.  That is until I met Hosea.

I remember the moment distinctly.  I was on the road with CTI, contemplating a rough breakup while reminiscing on my long history of failed romances.  (Touring the US in a van full-time left me with plenty of time to my thoughts.)  I found myself completely ashamed of the spectacle I had become.  Surely I knew I was worth more…  But somehow I continued throwing myself at love time and time again, whose ever face it belonged to.  Rather that being fulfilled I was used and rejected or smothered and shamed.   I didn't understand why God would allow all this to happen.  I remember saying to the Lord, "Why?  Why do they all end this way?   Why don't they work?  What am I doing wrong?"  The Lord led me to the book for Hosea. In all my previous Bible study I had never read the short account of this unlikely prophet.  Considering the scandalous nature of its contents I'm surprised it isn't a more popular read.  Hosea opens by saying,

 "When the Lord began to speak through Hosea, the Lord sad ti him, "Go marry a promiscuous woman and have children with her, for like an adulterous wife, this land is guilty of unfaithfulness to the Lord."   Hosea 1:2.

Intrigued?  So was I….. Throughout scripture the Lord often refers to the church, his people, you and me,  as his Bride…. but to ask one of his very own prophets to live out an adulterous relationship seemed a little too literal.  Nevertheless, Hosea did as he was commanded.  He married an adulterous woman named Gomer, and  together they had three. children.  But as you can expect, Gomer grew restless, and she began to seek out other lovers,

"I will go after my lovers who give me my food and my water, my wool and my linen, my oil and my drink. Therefore I will block her path with thorn-bushes; I will wall her in so that she cannot find her way. She will chase after her lovers but not catch them; she will look for them but not find them, Then she will say, 'I will go back to my husband as at first, for then I was better off than now."  Hosea 2:5-7

Gomer believed that her other lovers could give to her what she desired most.  She believed they would fill insatiable hole inside her.  She pursued her lovers like they were her lifeblood.  Like an addict.  Like me.  Suddenly I saw it.  I was Gomer.  I was the adulterous woman. I was seeking my other lovers before my First love.  And the Lord responded to me in much the same way he did with Gomer.

He walled her in, he blocked her path.  Though she sought her lovers, she could not catch them.  He did this not in cruelty, but in love.  To guide her back to her first love.  I finally understood why so many of my relationships had ended in disaster.  There truly WAS an outside source thwarting my ever effort to get the guy.  Ha. He had been walling me in - protecting me - and waiting for me to come to Him whose Love would truly fulfill.

"She has not acknowledged that  I  was the one who gave her the grain, the new wine and oil, who lavished on her silver and gold."  Hosea 2:8.
Little did I know, that the Lord was the source of my desire. I was seeking to fill the insatiable hole in my heart with romance.  But that insatiable hole could only be filled, could only be satisfied by the one source of unconditional love.  My Lord. My Love. My God.

"Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the wilderness and speak tenderly to her… In that day, declares the Lord, you will call me 'my husband' you will no longer call me 'my master.' I will betroth you to me forever in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion. I will betroth you in faithfulness and you will acknowledge the Lord….. I will show my love to the one called 'Not loved one.' " Hosea 2: 15-21

 I began a long process of recovery.  Like most addicts I had some relapses.  I was tested many times and failed.  It wasn't easy. But I was told if you want what you've never had you must do what you've never done.  So that's what I did.  I walked away from love as I knew it.  It took years for me to give up my romance addiction, the crutch, the drug that I used to fill my heart.  But slowly and surely I allowed the Lord to be my love, to romance me and give me the true desires of my heart.  Affirmation. Identity. Validation.  All these things were found in Christ alone.  I learned to hold my heart captive for Him.  To wait for Him.  To trust Him .  He led me to into the wilderness.  The urban jungle of Memphis, TN (where, incidentally, I met my future husband….)  He spoke tenderly to me.  Told me I was beautiful.  Reminded me of who I am.

 I truly believe that was the beginning of my journey to the altar.  Recognizing the Lord as my First love. On the road, in a van ,somewhere in the United States I started my romance with my One True Love.  And I believe that is where our story began as well...